And Chrstmas came and went....

So I had this blog started already, sometime in November about what I should do for Christmas when it all seemed to fall into place.

I got to wake up in my apartment Christmas morning, not alone, and open gifts. :) The only thing missing was the tree but I'll work on remedying that next year. I'm not sure that my apartment would fit a Christmas tree anyway. On a perfectly wonderful note, I didn't guess ANY of my gifts! I can't tell you how awesome that is for me, I love to be surprised and all the gifts were PERFECT for me!

We had a leisurely morning (even though we were up way to early) but then got ready and headed over to his Mom's house for Christmas brunch. The snow was horrendous on the side streets but his car loves the snow and he drives it very well so it was all good. :) His family is very nice and even got me gifts themselves! How sweet is that?!? :) I was very embarrassed, even though I knew they were coming, but the stories they told behind them helped, it was something to laugh at anyway. :)

The day after Christmas was slightly more busy then originally planned since he had to stop and get me a battery (this cold was too much for the two yr old one I had I guess) and change it out for me. We took Ros to daycare and headed north where he met my mom (she was on her best behavior), one of my brothers and he almost beat her at Scrabble. (there was also a minor disagreement with the Escape and the snow drifts but a friendly neighbor and a shovel solved that issue) :) My mom made us lunch and we stayed a little longer than planned but managed to get to my Dad's with about 45min to hang out everyone and take pictures.

Today we are going to his Dad's and that should wrap up the meeting of the immediate family anyway. I'm not really nervous and surprisingly wasn't nervous when he met my family it was all very laid back and fun, I would say one of my most fond Christmas's.

Life is good.

And I think having this apartment is going to force me to shed a lot of garbage I've allowed to accumulate, it will be good to get a little lighter. :)

I hope everyone had an AWESOME Christmas as much as I did. :)

Has it really been that long?

Wow! I have not been this lax before in my blogging, I'm almost disappointed in myself! :)

But what's a busy girl to do?

Update: Phlem boy didn't work out, didn't have many high hopes with him living so far away so no really big loss. :) Plus it was decided pretty quickly after my blog so it's just as well I guess.

I'm to tell you that I've met a new guy, his name is Mr. Slipons, or I call him Mr. Shy. He's also dead sexy. :)

He told me to write that and after today will be able to read my blogs which he hasn't in the past as I've blocked them from everyone in order to prevent him from snooping. You guessed it, he's a computer nerd. :) He's also reading over my shoulder now as I type this.

I've been sick and not wanting to write lately but since it's been so long I guess here's the long version since we all know I don't have a short version. :)

Halloween: I had a super-fantastic costume, I put on a latex witch nose and the cape from a few years ago and voila, I was the witch from Snow White.

Mr. Shy: It was my idea that we go to Pasta Pronto (the best Fettuccine Alfredo around), closed them down, went to Barnes and Noble and picked two books out each for the other (I know cute, right?) :) And then closed down the Starbucks as well. :) I didn't get home until after midnight. We've had a few more dates since then, I made the BEST Manicotti and it was healthy, and he made Beef Stroganoff that tasted like home. I'm actually typing this from his house and his weird ergo keyboard that I'm surprisingly better at typing on then I thought. :)

Guess what, NO KISSING!! Who would have thought I'd be able to say that? Can I see a show of hands? We've decided that the reason is because I'm sick and he has an aversion to colds. :) I'm sure it will be remedied as soon as I have a clean bill of health. Watch out, I may not see many of you once I'm healthy, at least for a week. :) He even says he may pencil me in for a week of PTO. :) Just Kidding. (only a little)

I need to go now before I get in more trouble, because like I said, he now has access to see the others so we'll see how long this lasts. :)

I guess it was the short version, who would have thought I had that in me too? :)

Just follow your gut...

Most of the late afternoon/evening my stomach has been in knots, more on that in a bit, I think I should tell you about my date first. :)

It was Saturday, and it was good. I was myself the whole time, which I am very proud of, and it didn't take any effort, also good. :)

We met up at Woodburn company stores, headed to Elmer's for lunch, had very interesting conversation for four hours, then back to the mall for more conversation and walking around. I didn't get home until 7ish and we met at noon. :)

He does have an OCD quirk but it doesn't really bother me, mostly because it wouldn't effect me, if he had to open a door 15 times, that could get annoying but it's pretty harmless. Every day of the week he wears a certain outfit with a specific color. The other quirks we seem to share, like we both agree that cereal does not belong on top of the refrigerator. :) He made me laugh and had some pretty good stories from his job, not all first date appropriate but I liked the fact that it was relaxed enough that we could be ourselves. :)

So far, I like him, he lives far away so that's a consideration but I think it's worth seeing each other again, at least. I'm gonna have to have the "friend" test sometime soon, don't want to wind up married and pregnant in two weeks. :) (S and P would never let that happen anyway) :)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Today, and what officially can be called a "tradition" since I went last year, I went with S, P and family to the pumpkin patch. There were a ton of people there, way more than before but it was a gorgeous day, bright sun, crisp fall air, and great company. I didn't get a pumpkin but I totally will next year! I just remembered I left the cider in the car! Don't let me forget to grab that later...

Back to the stomach knots....

I had been dreading a conversation that needed to be had, it went very quickly on the phone and finished by text over a three hour period. A very big THANKS go out to S and P for helping me keep things in perspective, and maintaining the higher ground, and I feel good about the final decision. It was the best one for me, I didn't give up my control, stood up for my decision, and so far there are no consequences.

All that basically means is that I will be moving the first part of December and I'll be spending tomorrow scouring the sunset corridor for the best place for me and Ros.

Wish me luck!

This crazy thing happend yesterday...

I was burgled (I hope that's how you spell it). And I'm typing this as I wait for the locksmith.

I was a little later than usual coming home last night and I was talking to S on the phone when I walked into my house like I always do. I noticed some of the cabinets were ajar. I said "that's weird, I know I didn't leave these open, I didn't even eat breakfast", turn to my left and notice there are some other things missing, go upstairs, change missing, bed mattress askew, cabinets ajar.

Then I am in actual shock, I got nothing, and most of what I do have is packed in the garage, I check the garage, it's all there, untouched, and thankfully so is my computer.

All the while S is on the phone with me and generously listening to my "this is so weird, why would someone come into my house?" over, and over, and over, etc. :) Oh, and making jokes about how it could have been so much worse. I've decided that it might just be impossible for me to not find something good in any situation, but I guess there could be worse things. :)

I decided I should probably call the non-emergency number, which S found for me and waited around for the officer to come and take a report. (it must be some cosmic/karmic duty that she's always around when something extraordinarily crazy is happening to me, I am grateful for it) :)

I went outside my front door, which was unlocked (I had not left it this way) to meet up with the police car (even they get lost getting to my house) and I notice that the handle to the hose bib is missing which was were the realtor lock box had the key to my front door, and I finally understand how they got in, and why they didn't go into the garage. This makes me feel better and unsafe. On the one hand, it wasn't someone that I know, or that has the garage code, this is good. On the other, my house key is out there somewhere and I'm certain I'm taking S up on her offer to sleep there for the night.

I now have fingerprint dust on my front door handle, and XBox power cord, to no avail. The one thing that would have been helpful, I can't find, anywhere. So I've come to the conclusion they are getting away with it scott free, which sucks, but what are you going to do?

My realtor is only showing my house by appointment only and called the locksmith for me, that was nice.

And now I wait, and wish I could be napping. :)

Time for a refresher...

Two weeks between blogs?!?! I'm slacking! :)

To be fair, I was sick and in Des Moines, IA all week last week, that's my excuse; oh, and someone has obviously made the world turn around a little faster on its axis then usual because since when, is half the month over without me noticing!!

Don't blink - by the time you open your eyes it will be Christmas and you'll be wishing there were presents under your bare ass but smelling all christmasy and beautifully all decked out in blue and silver tree. :)

Why would getting older make the days go by faster? It must be that paycheck to birthday to party to thanksgiving to christmas to new years, thing. When you're five, not much is happening in your span of influence. It's all grilled cheese, macaroni, peanut butter, jelly, and "give me back my barbie's head right now!" Not much to mark the span of time, but enough. :)

Well that was random! :)

Okay, no call from "malique" date (the names have been changed to protect myself) :) It's all good, he wasn't ready to settle down, or at least not with me, that's always good to know right up front. :) Going on a new date with "Phlem boy" (it's really a funny story, I'll tell you all about it when we break up) :) Meeting in the middle and we'll see where it goes, he's a little bit laid back and I'm a little bit crazy, it's been known to work for some! :) Not much else happening, Mr. Longman only wants to email write now, which is fine, I get the feeling he's short anyway. :) Red Sox is a bore, one liner, week in between emails is not my style; even if I only update this every once in a while, at least you're getting more than five words! :) I've closed out a ton!

Quick Hits:
Work is busy with a few random vacation days thrown around here and there. Hopefully we'll get goals for 2009 wrapped up quickly so we have some semblance of where we are headed as a business. Direction is never a bad thing, especially at work. :)

House is still for sale, price just dropped to poor house levels, we'll see what happens in three weeks, if nothing, I'm leaving the headache to the bank, hopefully they will have better luck than me!

And...

With that I feel amazingly refreshed! :)

Time for bed!

I have a theory...

My mom is truly and utterly mental. And I don't mean that it a funny haha way, I mean that in a, quick, make sure she's taken her pills today way.

On Wednesday I called the first place on my list of places she had told me, thank god I wrote them down, and made reservations for 7 after speaking to my brother to see if him and his wife and girls would come. Then I called my mom and told her where the reservations were, what time (noon), and who was coming. She seemed in a good mood and said thanks for organizing it all. I quickly hung up, no use in drudging up the simple fact that I had been more than willing to organize it and with the information she had given me, and was able to just fine, though I didn't need the added insults. :) I called my other brother the next day and he said he had a surprise boat charter ride around the Olympia harbor. I tried to tell him that she didn't like surprises but he insisted that she would like this one.

Anyway.

I called this morning and got the directions to her house since I was meeting her there instead of the restaurant. She was in an ultra positive, sickly sweet, pay attention to me it's my birthday, giggly mood. It was a complete 180 degree turn around from the person on the phone screaming at me just a few days before. I got there 10min early just to be safe. She confirmed with me that she was "picture ready" and was in heels (not the greatest shoes for charter boat riding).

Anyway.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day. We ate outside under umbrellas and the food was really good. My brother and his wife were late as usual but everyone got a chance to eat. My mom loved all her cards and that she got to go to one of her favorite places to eat. We did narrowly escape one minor incident where she proclaimed that she had never hit any of us kids with a belt or other utensil, just her hand. I was silently and frantically mouthing for both of my brother's to leave it alone, which after a few seconds they eventually did. No use getting into an argument when she was obviously either not in her right mind or didn't want our dirty family secrets bared to the general public or my aunt and uncle who were also there.

Anyway.

She knew slightly about the surprise and in general I think she was pleased by it, she loves the water and being on boats and with all of us there doting on her I'm sure she had a good time. I think she would have rather had different shoes on but she didn't really complain so I don't think it was that bad. The boat was electric and the "captain" was really nice.

I think the only reason she doesn't like surprises is because she can't manufacture a predetermined response.

Everyone but my aunt and uncle went back to her house for an hour or so to visit then we all left. I asked her when I left if she had a good day. She said that she had but it wasn't in her "fake" way but in her, "this is the last shred I've got of my good attitude, so take it and leave me alone" way.

Overall, not a bad way to spend a Sunday, no real drama, and I'm pretty sure the only thing we will hear about later is the fact that she wished she hadn't worn heels.

I couldn't expect better. :)

New Beginnings...

So I have a date tonight at 7, I'll tell you all about it later, but now, I've got to get ready....

:)

And as promised...

It took me an hour and a half to get ready! I was a little nervous, then fine, then nervous again. I did shave my legs, not that I wore a skirt but in his original text he said he wanted to ask a beautiful girl from hillsboro to go out with him so I figured I should at least feel pretty. :) Anyway...

I was already at Thai Orchid in Tanasborne when I got his text that he had just left his place which is near the Lloyd Center. I told him it was fine and went to Target for the birthday card I forgot for my mom's birthday tomorrow. I got back to Thai Orchid and he's still not there, but I figured it would take him 30min at least and it was almost that time.

It was funny, I had seen a mini cooper come in before he got there and I thought to myself that I didn't think he would be driving a mini cooper, but he was, a red one with a white top and a moon roof. I found out later it's his dream car. :) He actually ran out of his car and into the restaurant, it was so cute! I figured I'd let him off the hook, he looked kind of worried so I got out of my car and teased him a little and asked him if he thought I would stand him up? :)

It was good from there, we laughed a lot. I found out he's vegetarian but didn't mind that I wasn't. He said that most of the people where he's from are vegetarian but he thought that was because of the variety of foods that meat wasn't really necessary and most of the restaurants were vegetarian so it's an easy choice for them. And you guessed it, he's not from around here. :) He grew up in Bombay, India. He told me lots of stories about living and growing up there. He's travelled quite a bit, and lived in three states in six years.

It was a good first date. I'm not sure about long term potential yet. He didn't seem like he'd finally decided to settle down completely. I got the impression that he was still undecided about what he wanted to do and was concerned about making the right choice. Not that I'm not but I'm pretty sure I'm not leaving Portland any time soon. He tried to make me laugh, he's pretty good at it, not like I'm not easy in that way but it was still cute to watch him try. He would tell stories that were about him by saying "and if you were in OH and didn't have a car and went to this party you would not understand what was going on", he was the you in the scenario. :)

He paid for dinner, we walked from Thai Orchid to Cold Stone and he bought us ice creams and we walked back and talked in the parking lot until a little after 10. Not bad for about three hours. :) Oh, and he opened my car door when I was leaving - how sweet is that! :)

Overall, very good, and I would totally go out with him again.

ps I knew something was wrong with that spelling but I couldn't figure it out, so Thanks! :)

Playing the ketchup game...

It's like I can only write about the crazy things in my life! I just couldn't put it off any longer, on to the fun!

So a few weekends ago Stacy and I teamed up yet again to tackle the GUR, it's an awesome, grueling, walk/run scavenger hunt that you can find out all about here: Spicing Stacy Blog (sorry guys, she was so thorough I didn't want to duplicate, and we know I wouldn't remember all the details anyway) :) I will say that she was very nice to put up with me and my positive attitude, especially when it meant walking across the Broadway Bridge. :) Also, there should be an age restriction on the leap frog, if you're over 10, it shouldn't be done, I would have rather walked through the sprinkler or stood in it while someone took that picture. :) I was equally proud that we finished and never gave up. We are so doing it next year! :)

Here's the problem with me being behind, I don't remember everything I did! :) (that's what I have friends that remember things for me) :)

The Friday before GUR, I took the day off from work, ran around getting things for the GUR t-shirts, returning the rejects, and then went over to L's house to see her beautiful new baby, that was thankfully on his best behavior while I was holding him. (I heard he can sometimes be cantankerous, but he was sweet as pie to me) :) I'm still not sure how she keeps that house clean with her dad, husband, and four kids, I think it's a mystery I'll never solve. :)

So that moves us to this last Saturday, I got to see So You Think You Can Dance LIVE!! It was AWESOME! S&P were supposed to go too but what with studying and slight exhaustion, I don't blame them for getting some rest. :) I did get to go with D, who I hadn't seen since her beautiful wedding, and hadn't hung out with in awhile. She had no idea what we were going to and I totally appreciate that she was my "date" for the evening. :) She even put up with my "Nacho chair" picture! (I don't have them because we took them with her camera and it will be 2010 before I'll see them again.) :) It was great to be able to see all my favorite dances from the season performed right in front of me! S picked the best tickets, real close to the middle and close enough to the stage that you could see everything. I thought they would do new dances but once I saw the performances I was glad they didn't because with all the practice they've had doing them over and over I think they were even better then on the show.

The online dating thing is going good. Talking to a few people, taking things slow, no dates. :)

My mom's 50th is Sunday, I made reservations at a waterfront restaurant of her choosing for Sunday Brunch. I appreciate all things crossed for me, if only it saves my sanity for one day! :)

I think that's it, please remind me if there's more - I don't mind providing an update! :)

ps. The ketchup game is a closely held family secret, and it involves a partially opened bottle of ketchup, remind me to tell you about it sometime...

A different path

I was going to write all about the GUR, my forays into princess party set up, and letting go when it's necessary. That was, until pandora's box got opened, and out came all those things you never want to hear your mother say...

You are a Selfish, Blinded, Manipulative, Bully and I'm not sure it's worth it to me to have anything to do with you.

Some backstory: It's her 50th birthday coming up and anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE birthdays, I love celebrating them and I love doing those things that make it special for the person celebrating their birthday. It's a passion of mine. In keeping with that theory, I tend to ask a lot of questions to make sure I'm getting it right if I'm involved in the planning of said birthday, especially since I can tend to get carried away sometimes in my enthusiasm (see Selfish, above). :) So I ask, where, who, and when. All seemingly innocuous to me. I should have known...

I guess I missed the "who" when we talked on Sunday, to which I was informed, meant that I didn't care because I didn't listen and remember, the way that she did, or would. The "where" should have been asked of my brother, or other relatives, with sufficient knowledge of what type of food she enjoys, so it's not a difficult question I couldn't have answered myself, or with minimal help from others, not her. The "when" didn't matter, except when pressed, anything after 3pm on a Sunday would be considered "late" or "not worth the trouble". Asking said questions meant she was planning her own birthday and frankly, didn't want the responsibility.

During this two and a half hour conversation I probably spoke for 45min. The rest of the time I tried to listen, I mean, really tried. There were so many things going through my mind that if I had said them on impulse, would have taken us decades back to where we had already been.

What I heard among my own ramblings is that she is depressed, unhappy, lonely, afraid, exhausted, and longing for a life she wishes she had created.

She wants her daughter (or others in her life) to want to call her because hearing her mothers voice gets her through the day (we have talked on many occasions where she has told me specifically that she is glad I don't call her everyday like my aunt calls my grandmother because she couldn't stand that, she has a life after all)

She wants someone to be there when she gets home and notice if she's had a bad day and offer her tea to make her feel better (she has isolated herself to the point that it is work to be around her, the contradictions alone are hard enough to keep up with, let alone the opinions that she doesn't have, yet shares because it's important to be honest)

She wants people to call her, just to see how things are going and if she's okay (her son is going through a very excruciating legal process that she feels responsible for because of her inaction at the time because of her own previous baggage, and to my knowledge, never calls anyone to see how they are)

She wants everyone to be nice to her and each other if they have direct contact with her, as long as it's not "fake" nice (this means her definition of nice, not anyone else's)

She thinks about everyone else before she makes any decision because it's more important to her that they are happy, and if that makes her a doormat, so be it (I'm not even going to touch this one)

At first, I was angry, okay, furious and frustrated that she is completely unable to see her life for what it is, misery of her own making. She is the consummate victim that she can very cleverly hide behind an assertive, strong demeanor that she wants people to see beyond and if they cared enough about her, they would.

I know why she was unhappy with my questions, because I didn't already know the answers, but as her daughter, I should have. I understand that she thinks I blame her for things in the past, regardless of the repeated conversations to the contrary.

The different paths we have taken are so clearly marked to me, I can see hers, from my perspective of course, but it's so divergent to my own I'm not sure how anyone would see a difference I don't. My personal feeling is that she continues to blame her own mother for her own childhood, so of course I would as well. She doesn't want any drama in her life, and if everyone would go along with her point of view, there wouldn't be. Everyone should see the work that she puts in to help others and pay her in kind, because she deserves it. She would be happy, if someone cared about her happiness.

Some of her behaviors are my own, ones I have learned from her, and ones I have taught myself. I remember what it felt like to be so tired of doing for others that I would wish someone would notice and validate my existence. I can still be like this sometimes. I also think that the fact I realize it, and acknowledge it, means there still may be some hope for me yet. :)

At some point I started walking my own path. I made a choice, you can only "get" what you are willing to "give". If I want to be called to see how I am doing, I need to call and see how the people I care about are doing. If I want someone to notice when I'm having a bad day, I need to create a network of friends that I know and support and that know me and can support me when I need it. I have decided that no matter what has happened, it's never as good as what's coming, and if I wait around long enough, the good always happens, sometimes you just have to look harder, but it's always there.

It makes me sad for her, that her choices are different. She chooses to see the bad, and the bad never ends for her.

How funny that she thinks if I could just see from her perspective that we would get along so well and I think that if she could just see from my perspective she would be so much happier with her life and those around her. It's like the worst polar magnets in existence and I'm not sure how to overcome it without turning myself inside out for her, which I'm not willing to do, and she wouldn't appreciate it for the sacrifice anyway.

I guess it's that I do see from her perspective, and I don't agree with it, I feel like I've traveled that road long enough and rather then stay on it, I decided to walk through the wild flowers to get a better view.

I wish I knew what to do. Thanks for listening. :)

Hawaii 5-0 playing in the background

I decided that the reason my house wasn't being shown was because it was a pig sty and I didn't want anyone to see it that way, so I started cleaning. By the time the kitchen was spotless my phone was ringing! :) Sometimes the Secret is just believing. :)


I decided to catch Oktoberfest on Saturday afternoon, plus I had a free admission ticket and who argues with free? I got a free beer stein and only filled it once with the darkest beer I could find! :) It wasn't bad actually. There wasn't much there in the way of entertainment, they had a few bands playing and some guys were dropping quarter lemons from the roof to catch in the steins for prizes. I got the Jackpot (three prizes)! I got a t-shirt, key chain, and playing cards.

And so began one of my "life" thoughts of the weekend. I'd say epiphany but I think I'll have to reserve that for when I actually figure it out. :)

I wanted to stand in the square and get the lemon in my mug, it took me almost an hour to finally decide to do it. Once I was there I blocked most everyone around me out and hoped that I would be able to get the lemon in the glass so I wouldn't look like the drunkards that were spilling their beer all over the place as they tried to get the lemon in theirs. When the lemon dropped into my mug I was so excited, I think I even said "Woo Hoo!", then I heard the claps and excitement from behind me and I was instantly embarassed. It was like I was having my own private moment and they were intruding. I didn't make eye contact with anyone, the guy there put his hand up for me to give him a high-five and it took like three seconds for me to realize why he was holding his hand up! It was a bizarre feeling because there are times when I want people to pay attention to me and when they did, all I wanted to do was crawl under a hole somewhere and hide. I've got a few thoughts that are probably the reason I feel this way but I'm going to let them germinate for now.

While I was there my friend J text me asking if I wanted to "hit up a surf rock show at the blue monk?" Well, not knowing exactly what "surf rock" or "blue monk" was, I decided what the heck and told her I would go so after leaving Oktoberfest I headed home to Ros, changed my clothes and headed back out.

It was Whipeout to the extreme! The musicians were good, there was no carpet so it was a little tinny but overall they were pretty good, and they had go-go dancers in swimsuits and fishnet stockings, who could beat that! :) My friend is moving away soon so it was good to hang out with her for a bit and she's the kind of person that makes you feel good for being you, so it was extra fun. :) (I also got to take some of the first pics of her and her new guy, so honored!) :) I should also mention my second and final "life" thought of the weekend. Though I guess this one was more of an epiphany.

I have been emailing with a guy that I wasn't really feeling the connection with and instead of hiding, lying, or generally avoiding the situation, I came right out and told him, in the email of course, but it's a step. It felt really good to be honest and to work on feeling okay with what I'm looking for and not wanting to change it to fit what someone else is looking for. It seems obvious I know, but it's good for me to be able to identify those situations and act honestly and truthfully without fear that I might offend someone. It actually turned out really well and I was clear and concise without being hurtful or overly apologetic.

Anyway, Sunday I slept in, watched a movie, didn't answer my phone, went t-shirt and iron-on paper shopping, and with help from S, came up with a Rockin' design for our Great Urban Race shirts! I'm actually getting really excited for participating, and I didn't even need to spend money on maps! :)

Well, that was my weekend, two new things, a partial and full epiphany, and a viewing, I couldn't have asked for better! :)

The high's and low's of Home Ownership...

For most of you that don't know, I got an offer on my house on Tuesday, 8/26. I can't begin to tell you the kind of excitement that rushed through me when I heard the message from my realtor, I didn't even care what they wanted, I was just going to accept it, as soon as she told me what it was! :)

However, it was an extremely low offer (about $25,000 less than what I originally paid and of course, less than I'm asking now), so obviously I countered with something way more reasonable, especially since they wanted me to pay all their closing costs. To which, I was again countered with something not as reasonable but slightly better, and after some time consuming number crunching on Friday, my realtor and I can up with my base bottom price (faxed directly to and from The Heathman), and if it went through, I was going to walk away with a whopping $300. :)

I wish I could say I'm no longer the proud owner of this shell that I live in, but in reality what the buyer could get financed and what I needed were two very different amounts and there was no way an offer could be acceptable to us both.

So while I've still got the moving idea plotting away in my head, I have yet to find someone to hand the keys over to.

PLEASE!, OH PLEASE! SOMEONE BUY THIS HOUSE!

Practice makes Progress...

So this week was a lesson, well a few lessons actually, for me, in my quest to be a more authentic me when it comes to the opposite sex.

For the sake of readability we will call this opportunity, George. :)

George is someone that I've talked to on the phone and online for awhile but never met in person and I got a chance to be his "tour guide" this week while he was visiting Portland. This is amusing to me because I probably know less about the surrounding Portland area than a weekend tourist, but I don't think I did too bad a job. :)

I left my cousin's rehearsal dinner on Sunday to meet up with him and give him a brief tour of the area he was staying in, just to give him a little sense of direction. When I first got to his hotel, I thought, now why did he have to go and be all good looking?! I thought for sure I was in for it, all the bad habits, the incessant fake flirting, the tummy suckage, and you can't forget the screaming voice in the head screaming "he can't possibly think anything good is coming out of your mouth". So as this was all flooding back to me, I said very quietly under my breath while getting out of my car to get into his, "Get it together, you are being ridiculous, stop being so neurotic, you can do this". "This" of course, meaning it was very possible that I could just be myself, I mean it wasn't like I was someone different in email or on the phone so why should it be different to see me in person? And then I suddenly felt a little lighter, not really nervous (okay, a tiny bit but that only lasted through getting the water at dinner), and ready to just take things as they come.

He totally has some quirks, I'm sure I noticed them way more than I might have for the simple fact that I wasn't thinking about the situation the entire time but in fact focusing on what he was saying and what was going on around me. So we're at dinner and he said something that made me think, you know he might be a little nervous too, he might actually think that I'm a crazy girl that's going to obsess and smother all over him, but little did he know I was headed for progress and not re-doing past mistakes. So after dinner and a run to Target, I was surprised when he invited me back to his room and even more surprised that I was more interested in the hotel room because it had a full kitchen and not because of the company. :) We chatted for a bit then about 10 I said I needed to get home but I'd see or talk to him the next day.

Monday was my cousin's wedding and I was in charge of getting the cake (when they told me the BRIDE was going to wake up at 6am to come to beaverton bakery to get it from Gresham I insisted that they let me get it for her). S graciously took care of Ros the entire day for me (THANK U)! By the time Ros and I got home we were both tuckered out, but I still had to stay up to watch Saving Grace (such a good show!).

Tuesday we went to Macaroni Grill and got the exact same dinner and drink (he ordered after me, thank you very much), though he also got a salad and by now I was starting to wonder if his stomach was bottomless, because he can put down the food! I took half mine home in a doggy bag, while his plate was practically licked clean! :) We walked around for a little bit after dinner then went back to our cars. I was home by 8ish and at this point I'm starting to like this groove that I seem to be in. I'm not wearing make up (I don't usually unless I feel like it or I'm going somewhere really nice) or dressing provocatively or to get attention, just wearing what makes me feel good (meaning, when I stood in front of the mirror in the morning my thought was more 'does this look okay on me' rather than 'will this help him want me more'). There is still a small piece of my brain that wanders, though it's more like checking in, making sure that I'm listening, not over-analyzing, and when I'm talking I'm being honest about what I think and feel.

You have to understand that all of this is completely new to me, it's not how I normally act and not how I normally expect to be treated. It all felt normal somehow, like what was happening is what should normally happen when you are getting to know someone and it was a good feeling.

Wednesday, we went out to dinner in Portland to this really good seafood place with more mood lighting then I would have liked but it was good food and a really good place for people watching. He is very friendly and asked the waitress where the best place to get dessert was in the area, and so began our long walk for dessert. I was a sweaty mess but I wasn't complaining, it was actually nice to walk off some of the fried food I had, and it justified the chocolate brownie with milk that I had for dessert. :) Once we got back to his car he put the top down on his rental car (thankfully I had put my hair on a ponytail or I would have been coming out the tangles all night). My car was in the only remaining parking spot so I headed right home. My thought driving home was 'that was one of the funnest/funniest/relaxing evenings I've had'. I think part of it was the adventure of seeing someplace new with someone that was seeing it for the first time too. I also felt proud of myself that I was able to be in the moment, still be myself, and have a good time without worrying if I said something stupid or wondering if he would want to see me again.

Thursday, we went to lunch at Pasta Pronto, he wanted Spaghetti Factory, I told him Pasta Pronto was so much better! :) We both had meetings so it was a quick lunch. By this time I'm starting to waver a little. I was thinking, 'I'm wearing a skirt today, does he think I'm wearing it because of him, should I have worn make up, would he think my eyes were prettier with a little mascara'. None of this came out in my actions, thankfully, but it was there, and it made me more glad that I had made dinner plans with S for that night instead of going out with him again for fear that I would have languished on every word, batted my eyes (not really but you get what I mean), and basically trashed all the work I had put in previously to not let that happen.

So the lessons I want to get most out of this week is 1) It is possible to be myself and be in the moment without obsessing about the outcome, 2) If I handle things in moderation, it will make it easier on me to slow the rollercoaster down and take things as they come, 3) Remember that when I push it, it makes things worse for me, and those around me, one track minds are not in balance. :)

Sorry about the play-by-play but I needed a timeline :)

Dating Photo Decision

A couple of my bestest friends graciously took pictures of me in the last few weeks that I could put on my online dating profiles. Thanks everyone for voting! These are the winning photos and have been posted to the websites, we will see what happens I guess :) #3 #5 #6
#14

A breaking of the dawn...(slightly updated)

I think I need something a little lighter so I'm gonna tell ya all about the weekend we had one of my favorite adventures...

Once upon a time...

JK

So last Friday was pretty busy for me, lots of things to do and sleep to miss...

I went to work as usual where I feverishly completed all my team's monthly reviews until I left at 1pm and proceeded immediately to pick up Stacy and head to Juan Colorado's. Now, this wasn't just any Juan Colorado's, this was one of the blandest ones I've been to, not a lot of selection and the food was, Eh. But the company was fabulous, we met AS and A there who also enjoyed some less than stellar fare.

I digress...

After lunch we headed down the parking lot to the ceramics place to find some wares to paint. :) I picked a large square serving plate, to which, they were all able to see my complete OCD side as I tried to paint perfect burgundy squares and circles (with a stencil that didn't cooperate) and later with black in the center and around the edge which turned out much better with the use of tape (who knew!) :) (side note: S's paint job was much more creative, AS painted the cutest pot, and A's drawing could have jumped out of the computer!) but I still had a lot of fun! :)

Then it was off to Starbucks for much needed coffee and pastry. From there A was stuck with us for the remainder of our adventure while AS got to go home and I assume get more sleep than I did. :)

We high-tailed it out of there so I could drop off S and A then get Ros from daycare and feed her before heading right back out to BN to meet up with S and A so we could get to Sunset Lanes for a very unique early evening bachelorette party (with the bride having to work the next day at 6am, and the MOH nearly ready to deliver, I don't blame them!) We picked funny names to go by; Misfit, St. Anna, and I as JM, or Jim for this leg of our adventure. I think I got a few strikes but the best thing of all was the falling to a sitting position that I managed in a gracefully awkward way and thankfully I had let the ball go by this time so no actual damage was done, save the burning sensation that moved through my cheeks. :)

At 8:30pm-ish we had to leave our friends to get some dinner (yummy Schmizza Pizza) with a snippet of Kangaroo Jack, a very friendly coach and Lish. What ensued after that can only be described as a tribe of laughing maniacs with a complete lack of discretion, and maybe a little too much coffee...(thankfully S and A had already picked up the numbered bracelets!) We puttered around BN watching the multitude of age brackets fill out their special all book inclusive surveys that no one won but was still fun to compare answers too (S has a mind like a steel trap for all things story related!) and entertaining the Starbucks crowd with things I don't completely remember but I'm sure were hilarious (gooooaaat!) until they closed. Into the line we went!

They didn't plan this line very well, I'd say there were about 300 people there and telling us all that numbers 1-50 should go to the start of the line and "just ask your neighbor what number they are" just isn't feasible with that many people and if they were smart would have said 1-10, 11-20, etc, it would have been much simpler, I think (and I of course needed to mention this many times out loud but no progress was made on my behalf). :) As it were, there was much in the way of shifting as everyone got assembled but by 11:50pm, assembled we were.

There was a countdown, we half-heartedly participated, and we were out of there by 12:15am at the latest. We bid our adieu's and promised to stop reading at the end of the first section.

The first section....SURPRISE! SHOCK! STUNNED! (I believe I had an actual OMG moment) I was asleep by 3am.

The next morning we were all supposed to be headed to Flugtag (early for going to bed by 3am) but after a minor mishap (and a satisfying nap on my part, S and I met at her house, wrangled up some Taco Bell and read the second section while the dogs harassed us and each other. :)

The second section...PISSED! FRUSTRATED! IRRITATED! (I unknowingly called it)

After that I went home, I was in such a state I still don't remember what I had for dinner! In fact, I completely forgot, until S reminded me, that I actually went out for drinks (and visited Montage's and the Original Hotcake & Steakhouse before finally settling on Shari's once it was determined that Denny's at Lloyd Center closes at 10pm on weekends) and didn't get home until 4am instead of 11pm-ish and slept in until noon before finishing up the third and final section.

The third section...FAITH RESTORED! All ended well and in true Stephenie format, happily ever after...

THE END!

Dichotomy of Contradictions

This is what I seem to be, despite my desire for the opposite.

It seems I am looking for one thing, and yet attracting another.

I find that I am used to the attentions of the opposite sex. I used to be a small slip of a girl, boys would want to have me and I let them. This behaviour became habit and an expectation. I could only be wanted for one thing and to present something different to me branded you a liar. What more could you want of me? Sometimes I would wait, see if I was wrong, but my experience would lead me to the same situations over and over. It led to an obsession of sorts, of my body and looks, because nothing else was more important.

Except that little voice that whispered "you are more than this, what are you doing?"

I have since allowed myself to become lazy and not care about my physical appearance, except in those events when it is required. It's very draining to continually prepare and believe you are presenting perfection, and who was I to contradict those that believed the presentation? So as the facade would start breaking I would prepare to leave, just to start it all over again, someplace new.

Again that voice "aren't you tired of running yet?"

So I am here now, not prepared to leave, slightly afraid of staying, trying to figure out how to change this pattern of presentation I've come to rely on. I'm trying to find that place that allows me to feel comfortable in the skin I'm presenting and being able to not expect those things that have always come to be, based on my outward appearance.

I am afraid to be that same slip of a girl with a different mind and a different set of expectations.

I don't even know where I would start. I don't know how to present the evolving person that is me without feeling like I must be something else and assuming that the men I will meet will just want to take from me, instead of be my partner and enhance who I already am. I don't know how to see them differently. I don't know how not to be resentful when they don't look at me like I expect them to, even when I don't necessarily want them to look at me that way.

And aside from that piece, there are other issues. How am I supposed to present myself in a way that shows who I am and what I'm about without it turning physical in my mind, or assuming it's only physical in theirs? It's all I know, it's what I understand most, I don't trust anything else, I have no experience with it. I don't even know what I would do, or see it, if it were to present itself to me. I think it's possible I could dismiss it out of hand because it's not my normal.

And then I would kick myself later because I didn't take the chance.

Maybe...

Impressions

I'm trying real hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, really, I am!

At what point though do you draw the line in the sand and say "its not there"? Is it fair to do that after a few emails?

This is where I get stuck.

Getting through the intros, all good. "How's your Day?", check! Random questions about life, no problem.

And then, it hits me, and I think I've got it right...HE'S NOT THE ONE!

And yet, I will continue talking because now I'm involved. How do you say at that point, I don't think this is going anywhere? I'm not feeling that connection with your words, the impression I'm getting is less than stellar, it's pitiful actually.

But what if I'm wrong? What if the man of my dreams is just one bad email away from the craziness that is a relationship?

You see the "stuck"? There are so many what if's, and but's, and maybe's!

But I'm trying, really, I am!

:)

I'm my own worst enemy...

My realtor was having a open house for me today and I thought, what a great time to have Elizabeth take professional pictures of me in Vancouver, in her beautiful backyard for my new online dating profiles.

I made sure my house was clean, laundry was done, took Ros to daycare, ran some errands, was going to meet Stacy for lunch and then I was near a movie theatre.

I couldn't resist! There are just far too many movies this summer that I'm not getting a chance to see in the theatre!

So I saw, Dark Knight. I thought it was really good, Heath was AMAZING as The Joker. It was a little long, it almost seemed like two movies in one because a lot was happening in it. I like that they introduced where Two Face came into the story but I liked Tommy Lee Jones's Two Face better but the graphics where better in Dark Knight. I kept wondering how he blinked his other eye though...

I didn't get a chance to get to Elizabeth's but Stacy graciously took some pics outside the Starbucks that weren't half bad, and in my opinion even better in black and white. :)

I'm also going to have to discard my forever wish of winning a Poang chair from IKEA (they are having their 1yr birthday but since I wasn't going north it seemed like a waste of gas to drive up that far to drop a slip of paper in the slot, free chair or no) I'll just have to put it on the list of things to get once my house sells and I move into my apartment.

No luck so far on the house selling front, I'm sure if anyone had come by the realtor would have called, I'm not even sure how long the open house went for.

btw: If you know anyone that's looking for a house in Hillsboro, please send them my way! :)

So far I'm talking through email to a guy I met on Match and I've got some others from eHarmony that I'm waiting for a response on but no eminent dates yet!

I'll keep you posted! :)

It happened so fast...

It did, really!

I was just experimenting with profile data on Match.com, posted some simple, yr old picture and before I know it, I have an email.

Now I had thought about this exact occasion happening and I thought I could control my curiosity, that it wouldn't matter to me, and I could keep myself in check.

I was wrong.

So now, I'm the proud owner of both, a Match.com profile and and eHarmony profile. :)

I've got some potentials, I won't be name dropping, and I'm going slow, as in no dates this weekend, I'm busy anyway! :)

Wish me luck!!

(and who knows how interesting these blogs will be after I start dating....)

Decisions, Decisions

I'm staying in Oregon for the duration! (there was some question there for a bit that I might defect to AZ, but you can't get rid of me that easily) :)

And...

I'm gonna sign up for eHarmony....

Once I have the money (*silently praying for house buyer*) and time to fill out the lengthy questionniare (it may take an entire weekend) :)

In the mean time, I've been playing with what I will say in my profile. What will be enough to say who I am but vague enough that it will spark questions and being honest about what I'm looking for.

Here's what I got so far:

I'm just a regular girl doing regular things. Working, hanging with my friends, walking my dog. :) Along with going to movies, reading, hanging out at the beach and the occaisional television obsession (Lost, Heroes, Saving Grace, SYTYCD, AI) I'm just looking for a regular guy that does regular things (maybe with a few spontaneous road trips or weekend getaways still left in him somewhere) :)

I'd put that I seem to have an obsession with facial hair but I'm afraid of those that would grow a beard just to date me :)

I think it's a good start, but thankfully, it can be edited at any time :)

Foo Fightings...(late ramblings)

So I meant to write this the night I got back, it's been a bit longer than that now...

I will admit that I was excited back in March that I bought tickets to see the Foo Fighters at the Rose Garden in July. Then after I bought the tickets I remembered that I don't really know there music except for a couple of songs that I've seen the videos for in the morning. Those songs being "Best of You" and "Let it Die", there may be others, I don't remember, I blame the radio :) Suffice it to say, they have awesome music!!

But I digress...

First I got there super early, so I had a cheeseburger at the restaurant inside the Arena, it was good! There was this guy with his friends behind me, he drank almost an entire bottle of wine in the time it took me to eat my burger, but he gave the waitress $100 and told her to keep the change, she said later that it was a $45 dollar tip!! She had only made $4 up to that point, it was awesome and she was super nice!

There were two bands that opened for them, Bear (something) which I ate through and the other I believe was Supergrass? They were from England and their instruments were much louder than their voices, I hate that so I didn't tune in very much.

Then the Foos come out and everyone is screaming and Dave is walking up and down the middle of the arena (it's a stage) I assume to just soak up the energy, at least that's what it looked like anyway. For as long as they played, I'm sure he needed the pep! He also had these moon boot type high tops that I found extra cool. :) (he also wears boxers, in case you were wondering) LOL!

Dave kept telling everyone that they play for a long time cuz they weren't a bunch of pussies. But I was still surprised when they played a ton of songs and for like 2hrs!! It really is the way music was meant to be heard, not that I heard much else for the next few days but it was awesome to feel the music coming up from your legs!

The drummer (Taylor Hawkins) was absofuckingloutly fantastic!! He had this like 5min solo that was amazing and his and Dave Grohl's teeth are so freaking white!!

They started on one side of the arena but then moved to the middle and said that they did it for all the people with sucky seats (he said "sucky seats" like 6 times) and now the GA people that were at the front now had the sucky seats. He spit and said "fuck" a lot but he was so funny! He has a very commanding presence on stage.

And their encore was four songs! :)

All and All it was an AWESOME concert and I'm so glad I went!

And if you haven't checked out the Foo's - you should!!!

Finding Love, In Reality....

**Spoiler Alert**

I should start this off by saying that I think I've watched one season of The Bachelor (it was so memorable I don't know which one) and I watched the first Bachelorette's wedding through re-runs a few months ago. (there were helicopters!) I was mostly turned off by the fact that it didn't seem like it lasted for anyone, with a few exceptions of course. Then I started seeing the promo commercials for the newest Bachelorette. I will admit, I was intrigued. Not that they didn't have previously jilted others before but this girl seemed very genuine.

I watched the entire season, including all the extras and I think I can honestly say that I would never want to be in her shoes. She was very honest about what she wanted, she didn't let people stay that she obviously didn't have a connection with, and she seemed to have an open mind when it came to all the guys.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to have to tell someone that what they were feeling for you isn't the way you were feeling for them, that would be so hard and I think she was so brave in being honest with everyone about what she thought and felt.

When it got to the last four I thought that she had picked well up to that point. I was really surprised that she let Graham go but after seeing the "Guys Tell All" episode and she said that it was because he couldn't share himself in a way that she wanted I completely understood. I think that Jeremy was too "perfect" and the fact that he kept coming back seemed very fatal attraction for me and makes me think her gut was telling her that it wasn't quite right.

And then there were two.

Jason - I'm not sure that he really loved DeAnna but I think that he was so excited to find that he could love again and his son liked her that he just wanted to keep riding the train. I also don't think that he could have provided that challenge for her that she seems to want. He is very safe, secure, while still being adventurous but what he lacked was the line in the sand. That inner confidence in himself that would allow him to argue with her in a communicative way. He is the epitome to me of the "honeymoon" guy, everything is beautiful, until it's not, then what happens?

Jesse - I was worried at first about his commitment level but what I respected about him was that it didn't seem like he made his decisions half-hazardly. What he chose to do in establishing a relationship with her was thought out and genuine to me. And while he was goofy, it didn't seem like a gimic but a way to present himself as himself. He also seemed to have a sense of himself and those things that were important to him that makes him an equal match with DeAnna. They both said how lucky they were to have found each other in such unusual circumstances.

I think that she made the right choice for her and I hope that they continue to be happy together.

It kind of makes me want to look again...

almost. :)

It's a wild one - Watch Out!

I'm sitting here laughing thinking I'm probably the luckiest person ever!

That doesn't mean crazy things don't happen to me (i.e. 4 tows in 6 mo) but it really helps you see the really great things in life. :)

I think the most important thing I've ever learned is how amazing it is to be able to laugh through just about everything, especially since whatever is over that hump is better than what you've just experienced, it can always get better. :)

I also have some advice - Get the Extended Warranty!! (you never know what may happen)

Okay, on to one of the Best 4Th's I've ever had. (I had a very large Barq's so I may be a little blah, blah, I'll try to control it) :)

We made great time getting there, the hotel we found was pleasantly vacant and only an hour and a half away from the best fireworks show I've ever seen. I think I squealed the entire show, much to the annoyance of Stacy! :)

We ate in PA at Bella Italia and I had the Best Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo, ever, and really I'm like an aficionado when it comes to Fettuccine Alfredo. The wine wasn't bad either. :) YUMMMM!!!!

We checked out the book stores and barely escaped the parade before heading to Forks for the show. That town is tiny! It had one big park, a few espresso stands, eclectic buildings, demolished cars from the derby, and I believe I've already mentioned the fireworks...

The next day we checked out the rest of Forks and La Push (I could do the drive in my sleep now, well as long as I opened them for the curves) :) The views from 101 were breathtaking, simply amazing to see. I found the greatest worry rock on First Beach and a couple of other's that were pretty cool. Also, the nicest lady works at the Chamber of Commerce - so helpful! We got some souvenirs and took Lots of pictures!

We had some slight car trouble along the way home, for some reason I've got a way with transmissions, both manual and automatic. It's a gift that I'm hoping to work into only using for good from now on. :)

I missed my Ros and I'm glad to be home, partly cuz I have a lot of work to catch up on!! :)

Me, Quirky?

I'm starting to think I'm not just your average, run of the mill, ordinary girl.

I've got some serious quirks!

Some I realize;
*I have a system when showering, face first, then shampoo, conditioner, and body, I do this everytime, it's habit. If I have to shave, it always goes between shampooing and conditioning, always.
*I don't like to leave the house unless I can run my errands in a circle, sometimes I can waste an afternoon trying to figure out the best way to get somewhere then back home in a loop, without wasting gas.
*When I'm walking by myself (the company must be better when I'm walking with others), I notice when I step on a crack or a painted parking divider and I feel off if my feet don't step on the same number of them.
*I played a cell phone game of Bejeweled last night for two hours and I couldn't put it down! (I totally beat my high score too, in case you were wondering) :)
*I can have an entire conversation with you, and you aren't anywhere within hearing distance (in layman's terms, I'm talking to myself). :)
*I imagine what I'm going to do, before I do it, for most things throughout my day, you'd think I'd do it to remember, but in fact, sometimes it makes me think I've already done it.
*There are times, most of the time actually, when I dress based on an image in my mind of what I want to look like, this would include looks that I steal from movies I've seen. I used to wear slightly baggy jeans, long sleeved white button up shirt with tan construction boots, just so I could look like Meg Ryan from When a Man Loves a Woman. We could have been twins :)
*I blow my nose in the shower, there's no dirty kleenex for Ros to eat this way! :)
*I start almost every story with "It was the most hilarious thing..." or variations of the same, even when it may not seem so hilarious (I think it makes me seem less like a whiner)
*I have an obsession with maps, I have three NA Atlas's and an entire file in my filing cabinet just for maps.

Some I've tried hard to break;
*I used to eat grilled cheese, waffles, pancakes, PB&J, and Reeses peanut butter cups in a very specific way, and it wasn't random, there was a very specific reason why I ate them that way.
*I totally forgot about the hand to nose sniffing thing! Weird since I was probably doing it as I typed this. :) It is something I didn't do for many years but it seems to be back in full force now, I blame the season. :)

Some I didn't realize;
*Nail popping? I'm thinking that's when I clean out my nails because it does make a sound. It's cuz I'm obsessed with not having crap under my nails, it drives me crazy! :)

I'm sure there are a lot more that I don't even know I do but everyone else does. :) Feel free to comment if you think of some! :)

Put a check in the box

Now I have another question...

Is any one person a box that can be checked? Or are we all just going through life making choices that seem like the right thing to do at the time, even if they're not?

For me, could I mark the box for Selfish? Because I can be this, a lot. But if I also check the box for Giving, does that make me a hypocrite? Because I can be this too.

I think what I find frustrating is that most people feel that you need to be one thing or another. If you have made a certain decision then you must make that same decision again because with that first decision you've made up your mind. I don't know about you but when I decide something, I should always reserve the right to change my mind, because I often do.

I should add that it is one of my pet peeves to be put into a "box". In fact, there are times I will purposely challenge someones perception of me so they can un-check me out of whatever box I think they've put me in. The thing is, I don't think I should be defined by my decisions, and neither should anyone else.

That's not to say that I don't have opinions, I have a ton of those. :) But those opinions aren't absolute, they don't require that I label you as something. They are just opinions, mostly in comparison to my own perception of things that I have derived from my own life experiences. Therefore, they are constantly evolving, as I hope I am.

I wonder if I'm conveying the honesty that I should with this blog. There are specific examples of label's being put on me that I'm thinking of but it would expose a lot of myself to share them. I'm worried that if I were to share them that I would be setting myself up for that very thing I'm trying to avoid.

Being put in a box and labled for easy filing.

What makes us do that anyway? What makes us define people based on their behavior? Why don't we all look at each other, as well as ourselves as people going through life like everyone else, without deciding for them, who they are?

I must confess, I rarely, if ever, have strong feelings about someone that would characterize them as something or another. Does that make me self-centered? I think that it makes me respectful, both in honoring each person's experience and holding tight to my own.

So here's my promise, I won't put you in a box, if you don't put me in one either. :)

Which is better?

I seem to be asking so many questions lately! I suppose it's hard to find the answer though if you don't ask the question first. :)

I just finished watching The Family Stone, that freakin' movie always makes me cry! I Love the picture of Sybil that Meredith gives to everyone for Christmas, it's such a beautiful gift especially since she has no idea what it means to them.

It brings to mind my subject for this question that I've been thinking about today. Which is better? Is it better to be with someone that you have a multitude of things in common with, someone that you have barely anything in common with, or is somewhere in the middle the best?

I thought at first that I needed to find someone that was exactly like me, the same likes, the same dislikes, everything, except the peeing standing up part, it's just such a mess! What's making me laugh right now, and no, it's not the image of myself peeing standing up, is that I'm wondering if I thought that because if we have so much in common, what's not to like?

That's not to say that some things aren't deal breakers. For me, I need a partner that either loves being around people, and family is included in that, or someone that doesn't mind the fact that I do. I need it. I want people around me, well, mainly my friends and my family. That's not to say that I don't need alone time too, I do. So I would also need someone that was okay with sitting around on a Sunday afternoon, or okay with me sitting around on a Sunday afternoon reading a book while they do whatever they want. :)

Now that I think on it a little more, maybe it isn't that I need anything specific from anyone, I just need someone that's okay with me, being me. :) If we have some things in common, cool, but it's not a necessity as long as what we don't have in common, we can both live with.

OMG - Did I actually answer my own question? I think I did.

Answer: None, as long as you are true to yourself and honest about yourself with others, there is no "perfect balance" only unconditional acceptance.

The truth and nothing but...

So I suppose if I'm going to find out if honesty is the best policy, I gotta get my profile all in line as it were...

What do you say first to a potential "love you no matter what, hold your hair while puking, tell you you're being crazy when you are, hold you when you cry, tolerate your family, appreciate your friends, etc" match? And without sounding like a lunatic?

I think I'm a skeptic.

I'm pretty sure that everyone is going to vanish one day because of some crazy, jacked up, nonsensical remark I make. So unconsciously, or in some cases, consciously I pull away when I get the feeling that it's starting to happen. There are times when I fight that feeling, because after more careful consideration I find it baseless and the older I get the more I fight it. It's still there though. Maybe it's a trust issue? I do find that the feeling happens more as I trust someone with my true thoughts and feelings. That it's just going to take that one time for them to say "Holy Shit, how have I come to be around this crazy/weirdo/lunatic for so long?!" and away they go. Not that I've had a whole lot of experience in people leaving, I'm usually out the door, or have at least distanced myself emotionally by then. :)

So how to overcome this obstacle? It feels like an insecurity and I'm not so proud of it. The thing of it is, I feel very secure in how I feel about myself and who I am as a person. The hang up I guess is in thinking I'm not good enough for everyone else.

I think it's about being secure enough in yourself that you don't have to ask your friends, "Do you like me? Do you really like me?" Cuz that would drive me up the wall if someone asked me that all the time! :) Plus, if they didn't would they be spending time with you? I guess I still have some work to do...

It all comes back to the honesty piece. Trusting that those you have around you will be honest with you and also being honest with yourself.

This also works in new relationships. You have to be able to be honest with that person to say "I think this could work, and here's why", or "I don't think you're right for me" without sugar-coating it or being afraid of the consequences. As well as being honest about what you're looking for so there's no confusion. You also can't be afraid that you're going to get that honesty back, you should be elated that someone thought enough about you to be honest and let you know how they feel. Whether that's in a good way, or a not so good way.

Otherwise, how would we find that person that loves us, for us?

How real should it get?

I've been thinking for the past few days how interesting it would be if everyone was forced to have a very real, very honest, online dating profile. For those of us that are single and looking of course!

Wouldn't it be better to just lay it all out there, let people know what they are getting into? That way, after two months and they're picking their teeth at a fancy restaurant, with their elbows on the table and food all over their shirt, you'd already know because their profile said "Careless Eater" Now I'm not saying this so we'd all have to list our less desirable traits, but it's better to get the true picture. Why waste your time with someone that abhors (I love that word) careless eating if they weren't going to accept you for who you are?

Now obviously that's a really lame example of what I'm getting at but think about it. If you knew then, what you know now, wouldn't you rather have had all the cards on the table before taking that leap into "a relationship"? Wouldn't you rather know, "I love to take walks, I blow my nose in the shower, I could spend an entire weekend watching movies, and I would do anything for just about anyone, at the expense of myself if I thought it would help them", instead of "Great Listener, loves long walks on the beach, and candlelit dinners..."?

Me, personally, I want the nitty gritty. I want to know the brass tacks, if you will. I'm not looking for a few months of fun, I want the real deal. The good, bad, and ugly of all that being in a relationship entails. I like the idea that I can meet someone that has a totally different take on life, with different experiences and wants to share them. I also like the idea that someone would want to meet me, get to know me, and love me in spite of it. :)

What would happen if you really laid it all out there? Do people really appreciate honesty? Would there be consequences of speaking your mind and saying who you really are? Could you stand to listen to those that would judge you? Would it be worth it to know that the one you would be with, understood your flaws, respected your opinions, and appreciated your strengths, right from the beginning?

Is it really possible?

Stay tuned....

A bandwagon is fun to ride on, right?

So I figure I'll get on the bus too, why not? :)

Watch out - I'm an emoticon junkie! :D

Do you really want to delve into my ramblings of ridiculousness?

Okay....

But I warned you! :)