I have a theory...

My mom is truly and utterly mental. And I don't mean that it a funny haha way, I mean that in a, quick, make sure she's taken her pills today way.

On Wednesday I called the first place on my list of places she had told me, thank god I wrote them down, and made reservations for 7 after speaking to my brother to see if him and his wife and girls would come. Then I called my mom and told her where the reservations were, what time (noon), and who was coming. She seemed in a good mood and said thanks for organizing it all. I quickly hung up, no use in drudging up the simple fact that I had been more than willing to organize it and with the information she had given me, and was able to just fine, though I didn't need the added insults. :) I called my other brother the next day and he said he had a surprise boat charter ride around the Olympia harbor. I tried to tell him that she didn't like surprises but he insisted that she would like this one.

Anyway.

I called this morning and got the directions to her house since I was meeting her there instead of the restaurant. She was in an ultra positive, sickly sweet, pay attention to me it's my birthday, giggly mood. It was a complete 180 degree turn around from the person on the phone screaming at me just a few days before. I got there 10min early just to be safe. She confirmed with me that she was "picture ready" and was in heels (not the greatest shoes for charter boat riding).

Anyway.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day. We ate outside under umbrellas and the food was really good. My brother and his wife were late as usual but everyone got a chance to eat. My mom loved all her cards and that she got to go to one of her favorite places to eat. We did narrowly escape one minor incident where she proclaimed that she had never hit any of us kids with a belt or other utensil, just her hand. I was silently and frantically mouthing for both of my brother's to leave it alone, which after a few seconds they eventually did. No use getting into an argument when she was obviously either not in her right mind or didn't want our dirty family secrets bared to the general public or my aunt and uncle who were also there.

Anyway.

She knew slightly about the surprise and in general I think she was pleased by it, she loves the water and being on boats and with all of us there doting on her I'm sure she had a good time. I think she would have rather had different shoes on but she didn't really complain so I don't think it was that bad. The boat was electric and the "captain" was really nice.

I think the only reason she doesn't like surprises is because she can't manufacture a predetermined response.

Everyone but my aunt and uncle went back to her house for an hour or so to visit then we all left. I asked her when I left if she had a good day. She said that she had but it wasn't in her "fake" way but in her, "this is the last shred I've got of my good attitude, so take it and leave me alone" way.

Overall, not a bad way to spend a Sunday, no real drama, and I'm pretty sure the only thing we will hear about later is the fact that she wished she hadn't worn heels.

I couldn't expect better. :)

New Beginnings...

So I have a date tonight at 7, I'll tell you all about it later, but now, I've got to get ready....

:)

And as promised...

It took me an hour and a half to get ready! I was a little nervous, then fine, then nervous again. I did shave my legs, not that I wore a skirt but in his original text he said he wanted to ask a beautiful girl from hillsboro to go out with him so I figured I should at least feel pretty. :) Anyway...

I was already at Thai Orchid in Tanasborne when I got his text that he had just left his place which is near the Lloyd Center. I told him it was fine and went to Target for the birthday card I forgot for my mom's birthday tomorrow. I got back to Thai Orchid and he's still not there, but I figured it would take him 30min at least and it was almost that time.

It was funny, I had seen a mini cooper come in before he got there and I thought to myself that I didn't think he would be driving a mini cooper, but he was, a red one with a white top and a moon roof. I found out later it's his dream car. :) He actually ran out of his car and into the restaurant, it was so cute! I figured I'd let him off the hook, he looked kind of worried so I got out of my car and teased him a little and asked him if he thought I would stand him up? :)

It was good from there, we laughed a lot. I found out he's vegetarian but didn't mind that I wasn't. He said that most of the people where he's from are vegetarian but he thought that was because of the variety of foods that meat wasn't really necessary and most of the restaurants were vegetarian so it's an easy choice for them. And you guessed it, he's not from around here. :) He grew up in Bombay, India. He told me lots of stories about living and growing up there. He's travelled quite a bit, and lived in three states in six years.

It was a good first date. I'm not sure about long term potential yet. He didn't seem like he'd finally decided to settle down completely. I got the impression that he was still undecided about what he wanted to do and was concerned about making the right choice. Not that I'm not but I'm pretty sure I'm not leaving Portland any time soon. He tried to make me laugh, he's pretty good at it, not like I'm not easy in that way but it was still cute to watch him try. He would tell stories that were about him by saying "and if you were in OH and didn't have a car and went to this party you would not understand what was going on", he was the you in the scenario. :)

He paid for dinner, we walked from Thai Orchid to Cold Stone and he bought us ice creams and we walked back and talked in the parking lot until a little after 10. Not bad for about three hours. :) Oh, and he opened my car door when I was leaving - how sweet is that! :)

Overall, very good, and I would totally go out with him again.

ps I knew something was wrong with that spelling but I couldn't figure it out, so Thanks! :)

Playing the ketchup game...

It's like I can only write about the crazy things in my life! I just couldn't put it off any longer, on to the fun!

So a few weekends ago Stacy and I teamed up yet again to tackle the GUR, it's an awesome, grueling, walk/run scavenger hunt that you can find out all about here: Spicing Stacy Blog (sorry guys, she was so thorough I didn't want to duplicate, and we know I wouldn't remember all the details anyway) :) I will say that she was very nice to put up with me and my positive attitude, especially when it meant walking across the Broadway Bridge. :) Also, there should be an age restriction on the leap frog, if you're over 10, it shouldn't be done, I would have rather walked through the sprinkler or stood in it while someone took that picture. :) I was equally proud that we finished and never gave up. We are so doing it next year! :)

Here's the problem with me being behind, I don't remember everything I did! :) (that's what I have friends that remember things for me) :)

The Friday before GUR, I took the day off from work, ran around getting things for the GUR t-shirts, returning the rejects, and then went over to L's house to see her beautiful new baby, that was thankfully on his best behavior while I was holding him. (I heard he can sometimes be cantankerous, but he was sweet as pie to me) :) I'm still not sure how she keeps that house clean with her dad, husband, and four kids, I think it's a mystery I'll never solve. :)

So that moves us to this last Saturday, I got to see So You Think You Can Dance LIVE!! It was AWESOME! S&P were supposed to go too but what with studying and slight exhaustion, I don't blame them for getting some rest. :) I did get to go with D, who I hadn't seen since her beautiful wedding, and hadn't hung out with in awhile. She had no idea what we were going to and I totally appreciate that she was my "date" for the evening. :) She even put up with my "Nacho chair" picture! (I don't have them because we took them with her camera and it will be 2010 before I'll see them again.) :) It was great to be able to see all my favorite dances from the season performed right in front of me! S picked the best tickets, real close to the middle and close enough to the stage that you could see everything. I thought they would do new dances but once I saw the performances I was glad they didn't because with all the practice they've had doing them over and over I think they were even better then on the show.

The online dating thing is going good. Talking to a few people, taking things slow, no dates. :)

My mom's 50th is Sunday, I made reservations at a waterfront restaurant of her choosing for Sunday Brunch. I appreciate all things crossed for me, if only it saves my sanity for one day! :)

I think that's it, please remind me if there's more - I don't mind providing an update! :)

ps. The ketchup game is a closely held family secret, and it involves a partially opened bottle of ketchup, remind me to tell you about it sometime...

A different path

I was going to write all about the GUR, my forays into princess party set up, and letting go when it's necessary. That was, until pandora's box got opened, and out came all those things you never want to hear your mother say...

You are a Selfish, Blinded, Manipulative, Bully and I'm not sure it's worth it to me to have anything to do with you.

Some backstory: It's her 50th birthday coming up and anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE birthdays, I love celebrating them and I love doing those things that make it special for the person celebrating their birthday. It's a passion of mine. In keeping with that theory, I tend to ask a lot of questions to make sure I'm getting it right if I'm involved in the planning of said birthday, especially since I can tend to get carried away sometimes in my enthusiasm (see Selfish, above). :) So I ask, where, who, and when. All seemingly innocuous to me. I should have known...

I guess I missed the "who" when we talked on Sunday, to which I was informed, meant that I didn't care because I didn't listen and remember, the way that she did, or would. The "where" should have been asked of my brother, or other relatives, with sufficient knowledge of what type of food she enjoys, so it's not a difficult question I couldn't have answered myself, or with minimal help from others, not her. The "when" didn't matter, except when pressed, anything after 3pm on a Sunday would be considered "late" or "not worth the trouble". Asking said questions meant she was planning her own birthday and frankly, didn't want the responsibility.

During this two and a half hour conversation I probably spoke for 45min. The rest of the time I tried to listen, I mean, really tried. There were so many things going through my mind that if I had said them on impulse, would have taken us decades back to where we had already been.

What I heard among my own ramblings is that she is depressed, unhappy, lonely, afraid, exhausted, and longing for a life she wishes she had created.

She wants her daughter (or others in her life) to want to call her because hearing her mothers voice gets her through the day (we have talked on many occasions where she has told me specifically that she is glad I don't call her everyday like my aunt calls my grandmother because she couldn't stand that, she has a life after all)

She wants someone to be there when she gets home and notice if she's had a bad day and offer her tea to make her feel better (she has isolated herself to the point that it is work to be around her, the contradictions alone are hard enough to keep up with, let alone the opinions that she doesn't have, yet shares because it's important to be honest)

She wants people to call her, just to see how things are going and if she's okay (her son is going through a very excruciating legal process that she feels responsible for because of her inaction at the time because of her own previous baggage, and to my knowledge, never calls anyone to see how they are)

She wants everyone to be nice to her and each other if they have direct contact with her, as long as it's not "fake" nice (this means her definition of nice, not anyone else's)

She thinks about everyone else before she makes any decision because it's more important to her that they are happy, and if that makes her a doormat, so be it (I'm not even going to touch this one)

At first, I was angry, okay, furious and frustrated that she is completely unable to see her life for what it is, misery of her own making. She is the consummate victim that she can very cleverly hide behind an assertive, strong demeanor that she wants people to see beyond and if they cared enough about her, they would.

I know why she was unhappy with my questions, because I didn't already know the answers, but as her daughter, I should have. I understand that she thinks I blame her for things in the past, regardless of the repeated conversations to the contrary.

The different paths we have taken are so clearly marked to me, I can see hers, from my perspective of course, but it's so divergent to my own I'm not sure how anyone would see a difference I don't. My personal feeling is that she continues to blame her own mother for her own childhood, so of course I would as well. She doesn't want any drama in her life, and if everyone would go along with her point of view, there wouldn't be. Everyone should see the work that she puts in to help others and pay her in kind, because she deserves it. She would be happy, if someone cared about her happiness.

Some of her behaviors are my own, ones I have learned from her, and ones I have taught myself. I remember what it felt like to be so tired of doing for others that I would wish someone would notice and validate my existence. I can still be like this sometimes. I also think that the fact I realize it, and acknowledge it, means there still may be some hope for me yet. :)

At some point I started walking my own path. I made a choice, you can only "get" what you are willing to "give". If I want to be called to see how I am doing, I need to call and see how the people I care about are doing. If I want someone to notice when I'm having a bad day, I need to create a network of friends that I know and support and that know me and can support me when I need it. I have decided that no matter what has happened, it's never as good as what's coming, and if I wait around long enough, the good always happens, sometimes you just have to look harder, but it's always there.

It makes me sad for her, that her choices are different. She chooses to see the bad, and the bad never ends for her.

How funny that she thinks if I could just see from her perspective that we would get along so well and I think that if she could just see from my perspective she would be so much happier with her life and those around her. It's like the worst polar magnets in existence and I'm not sure how to overcome it without turning myself inside out for her, which I'm not willing to do, and she wouldn't appreciate it for the sacrifice anyway.

I guess it's that I do see from her perspective, and I don't agree with it, I feel like I've traveled that road long enough and rather then stay on it, I decided to walk through the wild flowers to get a better view.

I wish I knew what to do. Thanks for listening. :)

Hawaii 5-0 playing in the background

I decided that the reason my house wasn't being shown was because it was a pig sty and I didn't want anyone to see it that way, so I started cleaning. By the time the kitchen was spotless my phone was ringing! :) Sometimes the Secret is just believing. :)


I decided to catch Oktoberfest on Saturday afternoon, plus I had a free admission ticket and who argues with free? I got a free beer stein and only filled it once with the darkest beer I could find! :) It wasn't bad actually. There wasn't much there in the way of entertainment, they had a few bands playing and some guys were dropping quarter lemons from the roof to catch in the steins for prizes. I got the Jackpot (three prizes)! I got a t-shirt, key chain, and playing cards.

And so began one of my "life" thoughts of the weekend. I'd say epiphany but I think I'll have to reserve that for when I actually figure it out. :)

I wanted to stand in the square and get the lemon in my mug, it took me almost an hour to finally decide to do it. Once I was there I blocked most everyone around me out and hoped that I would be able to get the lemon in the glass so I wouldn't look like the drunkards that were spilling their beer all over the place as they tried to get the lemon in theirs. When the lemon dropped into my mug I was so excited, I think I even said "Woo Hoo!", then I heard the claps and excitement from behind me and I was instantly embarassed. It was like I was having my own private moment and they were intruding. I didn't make eye contact with anyone, the guy there put his hand up for me to give him a high-five and it took like three seconds for me to realize why he was holding his hand up! It was a bizarre feeling because there are times when I want people to pay attention to me and when they did, all I wanted to do was crawl under a hole somewhere and hide. I've got a few thoughts that are probably the reason I feel this way but I'm going to let them germinate for now.

While I was there my friend J text me asking if I wanted to "hit up a surf rock show at the blue monk?" Well, not knowing exactly what "surf rock" or "blue monk" was, I decided what the heck and told her I would go so after leaving Oktoberfest I headed home to Ros, changed my clothes and headed back out.

It was Whipeout to the extreme! The musicians were good, there was no carpet so it was a little tinny but overall they were pretty good, and they had go-go dancers in swimsuits and fishnet stockings, who could beat that! :) My friend is moving away soon so it was good to hang out with her for a bit and she's the kind of person that makes you feel good for being you, so it was extra fun. :) (I also got to take some of the first pics of her and her new guy, so honored!) :) I should also mention my second and final "life" thought of the weekend. Though I guess this one was more of an epiphany.

I have been emailing with a guy that I wasn't really feeling the connection with and instead of hiding, lying, or generally avoiding the situation, I came right out and told him, in the email of course, but it's a step. It felt really good to be honest and to work on feeling okay with what I'm looking for and not wanting to change it to fit what someone else is looking for. It seems obvious I know, but it's good for me to be able to identify those situations and act honestly and truthfully without fear that I might offend someone. It actually turned out really well and I was clear and concise without being hurtful or overly apologetic.

Anyway, Sunday I slept in, watched a movie, didn't answer my phone, went t-shirt and iron-on paper shopping, and with help from S, came up with a Rockin' design for our Great Urban Race shirts! I'm actually getting really excited for participating, and I didn't even need to spend money on maps! :)

Well, that was my weekend, two new things, a partial and full epiphany, and a viewing, I couldn't have asked for better! :)