Sometimes I wish that our lives could be as perfect as they look on the outside. Wouldn't that be nice? To see your friends and family and have your smile be genuine. It's not like it never happens that way but there's always a few times here and there when I want to say "I'm not happy, I'm scared, I don't know what to do, and no, it's my thing but I wish you could help too." Like there's something wrong with being sad, frightened, lost, out of sorts, or just not able to figure it out yet. But I can't imagine that it doesn't happen to most of us so why can't we give each other permission to just 'be'.
I feel like I just stepped into one of those moving tubes, where if you walk really fast you can stumble a little but you come out the end pretty unscathed, but instead I'm forced to walk very, very slowly so that I feel it every time the floor comes out from under me. I have my good days, don't get me wrong, when I place my foot down and it's at the exact right moment when it all seems to be going the way it's supposed to, then I take another step and fall down because the floor is still moving and I can't stop it or ask it to pause for just a sec while I catch my bearings.
I feel like I'm giving up everything and it was my choice and now I'm fighting it. I don't know how to make it better, I don't know how to create a new balance and if I don't figure it out soon, I feel like it will be too late. Choices have to be made and I have to make them and they aren't going to be easy.
You can only do your best, but what if your best isn't good enough?
I just want to get back to that place where I believe that it will all turn out the way it's supposed to. Logically I know it always does but my heart just can't get there right now, and I feel like if I stop trying to get there, I'll give up and then where does that leave my faith?
Time to put the face back on and see how long this fake it until you make it will actually take to work.
Frustration and sadness
12 years ago
