It's NOT Hormones! :)

It seems I need to write at least once a month, or at least I have been. :) I actually write in my head, a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes it to the page. I used to write in a journal but even that was edited sometimes because I was afraid that someone would read it and ask me about it, guess times have changed. :)

I still feel a little of what I did in my last post, okay, to be honest, I'm about 50% still there. I find myself thinking lately how when you are a parent you can only give as good as what you've got. If the skills aren't there though, where does that leave your kids? Probably thinking, "Why the hell won't they just...." when the parents are thinking "How the hell am I going to teach them..." it's an amusing irony to me. Your child will never understand what you went through before, during, or after you have them. Even after having children of their own because then they are having their own experience and it's different from the experience you had. But no matter what, it's still life changing.

I'm so glad I get at least 9 months to go through this, I can't imagine waking up and in a week becoming a mother. There's no way I could process something like this so quickly. I'm grateful for time. And on the other hand, I wish it wasn't taking so long because it's forcing me to look at myself again.

I'm forced to sit with my thoughts, fears, excuses, and shortcomings. I'm forced to work at being present. Not that it sucks but, it kind of sucks. I want to be lazy. I want to not wonder what I'm putting in my mouth because it might not be as healthy as it could be. I want to sit in a quiet room with the music loud in my ears and cry.

And I will honor that, I won't bury it, I will allow myself to grieve for the life I had so that I can be grateful for the one that's coming. Because that's what it feels like to me, grief. And it feels so good to feel like I figured that out, and to honor it. When you acknowledge something for what it is, it makes it easier to move on to the next thing, whatever that is. I don't think that means I'm going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be perfect but I will wake up and try to make a better choice as much as I can. Eventually all those choices will add up and I'll look back and be happy that I let myself be 'me' and proud that I came through the journey instead of sleeping through it.

Too much sleep is bad for you anyway. :)