I could say it's an identity crisis, but it's really not. It's just me trying to figure out how to put this whole "motherhood" thing into it's place in my own identity. I don't want to become a women who only identifies themselves as being someones mother. I am more than that.
However, I can see how possible it is to get wrapped up in that one small piece of your identity. You convince yourself that their childhood won't really last that long but then they move out and you look around wondering where all the time went and regretting that you didn't do more while they were growing up to sustain yourself after they are gone. I am a daughter to a woman who did that and watch now as she struggles to re-define herself while still clinging to the notion that her children will still need her like they used to. It is not the life that I choose for myself.
I'm also playing with all the different ways that you can raise a child. It feels incredibly overwhelming sometimes, okay, if I'm being honest, it's overwhelming most times. :)
Now normally when I am confronted with something new I will go through a lot of different "ideas" before I hit on the one that fits me. I would describe it as trying on different outfits looking for the right one. For the sake of the analogy this would include everything, from the outfit itself down to the accessories including make up and nail polish. I want to try it on, take parts off, change them up until I find the "perfect" fit. There can be some level of frustration and irritation when I work this out because I'm trying to find what works for me and I don't always have the kind of time I want or need to work through all the changes.
Applying this same scenario to motherhood I'm finding isn't really working the way I thought it would. I'm not sure this is a bad thing exactly, I mean parents try different things all the time with their kids. Heck, people sometimes end up raising kids in the same family differently. I'm not sure how I feel about that though. While the intentions might be good, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with not having my shit together.
So this leaves me in a common, if not precarious position and I'm not sure what to do about it. My initial thought was to try and become an expert in parenting, cuz they have those, right? :) But I think with some time and reflection I've given myself permission to just do the best I can with what I know and get as much information as I can for the things I don't know yet, and forgive myself for the things I will just never know.
That's not a lot to expect, right?
