And baby makes three...

Well, not quite yet but I'm half way through and we just had our anatomy ultrasound today and everything looked great!

I've been steadily getting better since my last blog. I have my days, but I had those pre-pregnancy too so I'm chalking that up to normal. :)

I thought from the very first it was a girl, and with that first thought I probably jinxed myself knowing me. I have always been terrified of having a girl. At all. I know that people say that girls are easier but when you look at mother/daughter relationships, you know that it's not. I want her to be my family legacy redemption but then I think, how can it be possible to put that kind of pressure on someone that has no idea what she's supposed to be redeeming? I wonder how many mother's say, "I will not do what my own mother has done".

I think that is my lesson, to do for her what was, and was not done for me. To help her find the balance in life, that it's not all bad, it's not all good, but there is a beauty in living the journey that you set for yourself. I need to watch for extremes, both from me and around me.

This may be my most difficult journey. To help guide this little girl growing inside me to be her own person, to take from me what she needs and build on it from what she has that's her very own.

I am terrified of it still. But on the other hand, I'm kind of excited for the challenge. To push myself farther than I've gone. To make mistakes and be forgiven. To hang on to my faith that no matter what, it will always work out the way that it's supposed to, but it doesn't hurt to throw some work in every now and again. :)

I can't wait to welcome you to this world, Vivian Faith. You are my daughter, and I will love you more than anything will in this world (except maybe your Dad). And I will let you be you, if it kills me. :)

It's NOT Hormones! :)

It seems I need to write at least once a month, or at least I have been. :) I actually write in my head, a lot of the time, and sometimes it makes it to the page. I used to write in a journal but even that was edited sometimes because I was afraid that someone would read it and ask me about it, guess times have changed. :)

I still feel a little of what I did in my last post, okay, to be honest, I'm about 50% still there. I find myself thinking lately how when you are a parent you can only give as good as what you've got. If the skills aren't there though, where does that leave your kids? Probably thinking, "Why the hell won't they just...." when the parents are thinking "How the hell am I going to teach them..." it's an amusing irony to me. Your child will never understand what you went through before, during, or after you have them. Even after having children of their own because then they are having their own experience and it's different from the experience you had. But no matter what, it's still life changing.

I'm so glad I get at least 9 months to go through this, I can't imagine waking up and in a week becoming a mother. There's no way I could process something like this so quickly. I'm grateful for time. And on the other hand, I wish it wasn't taking so long because it's forcing me to look at myself again.

I'm forced to sit with my thoughts, fears, excuses, and shortcomings. I'm forced to work at being present. Not that it sucks but, it kind of sucks. I want to be lazy. I want to not wonder what I'm putting in my mouth because it might not be as healthy as it could be. I want to sit in a quiet room with the music loud in my ears and cry.

And I will honor that, I won't bury it, I will allow myself to grieve for the life I had so that I can be grateful for the one that's coming. Because that's what it feels like to me, grief. And it feels so good to feel like I figured that out, and to honor it. When you acknowledge something for what it is, it makes it easier to move on to the next thing, whatever that is. I don't think that means I'm going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be perfect but I will wake up and try to make a better choice as much as I can. Eventually all those choices will add up and I'll look back and be happy that I let myself be 'me' and proud that I came through the journey instead of sleeping through it.

Too much sleep is bad for you anyway. :)

No one ever said it would be easy

Sometimes I wish that our lives could be as perfect as they look on the outside. Wouldn't that be nice? To see your friends and family and have your smile be genuine. It's not like it never happens that way but there's always a few times here and there when I want to say "I'm not happy, I'm scared, I don't know what to do, and no, it's my thing but I wish you could help too." Like there's something wrong with being sad, frightened, lost, out of sorts, or just not able to figure it out yet. But I can't imagine that it doesn't happen to most of us so why can't we give each other permission to just 'be'.

I feel like I just stepped into one of those moving tubes, where if you walk really fast you can stumble a little but you come out the end pretty unscathed, but instead I'm forced to walk very, very slowly so that I feel it every time the floor comes out from under me. I have my good days, don't get me wrong, when I place my foot down and it's at the exact right moment when it all seems to be going the way it's supposed to, then I take another step and fall down because the floor is still moving and I can't stop it or ask it to pause for just a sec while I catch my bearings.

I feel like I'm giving up everything and it was my choice and now I'm fighting it. I don't know how to make it better, I don't know how to create a new balance and if I don't figure it out soon, I feel like it will be too late. Choices have to be made and I have to make them and they aren't going to be easy.

You can only do your best, but what if your best isn't good enough?

I just want to get back to that place where I believe that it will all turn out the way it's supposed to. Logically I know it always does but my heart just can't get there right now, and I feel like if I stop trying to get there, I'll give up and then where does that leave my faith?

Time to put the face back on and see how long this fake it until you make it will actually take to work.

So much has happened in so little time

Where to start? I could start at the beginning, but where's the fun in that? :)

I found out yesterday (1/29/10) morning, by taking a home pregnancy test, that I'm pregnant. Yep, Pregnant.

Holy Crap! I'm freaking pregnant!

I think no matter what you do, you can never prepare yourself for all the things what will go through your mind once it's official. We're not telling anyone until it's been a little more time, then I'm sure it will be a select few here and there, then, once it's more "prudent" (dave's word), we'll tell everyone else.

Back to what goes through your mind, and I'm not sure it's hormones, I suppose you could blame it on that but I think it's just realizing the enormity of what that little line means. I'm going to be someones Mom. Someone's boo boo kisser, confidant, hugger, disciplinarian, teacher, and all around guide for this little person's journey through life. It's interesting to me as well how different David and I are in our approach to digesting this step in our lives.

I'm trying real hard for my part to be in the moment, document how I feel, how my body feels, what kind of changes I'm experiencing. I want to honor the journey without skipping over anything only to regret at the end that I didn't pay enough attention. You only get nine months to acclimate yourself to the idea that you will be a parent, responsible for someone else's life. But on the other hand, you get nine long months so establish a bond so unique and simple that it lasts a lifetime.

So even if no one reads this, or I don't post it for all to see, I'll have my own legacy to impart, in my own words, even if it's just to remind myself just exactly what happened. :)

So I'm scared, nervous, excited, happy, and in overall awe that I've reached this stage in my life. And I go back and forth from wanting to tell everyone this awesome news, to telling no one and keeping it to myself a little longer.

In my head is all these things that need to be done to get ready, the rooms that need to be rearranged, the items that need to be bought, the stuff at work to sort out, and I can only tell myself for so long that there is time for that, because it will happen so fast I just might run out of time altogether. So lets just say I'll take it one day at a time, making sure that David and I are both on the same page, walking together, and it will all come out fine in the end, because it always does. :)

It's about damn time! :)

I've been writing this blog for a few days now, actually, I took notes about this part in one of my many Wednesday meetings; such a multi-tasker I can be. :) Though, is it multi-tasking if you're writing and not listening to what's being said?? :)

Anyway, I've been writing it in my head actually; today was the day I decided that I had thought of too many good words in my mind that I didn't want to forget any more of it so it was time to actually write it down. :) It's been a long time since I've written and in fact I usually don't write much at all when I'm happy and my last few blogs have been really boring, just catch up writing and not much very interesting, but I have this compelling feeling to write about how I feel right now.

The last few years I wrote about this journey I was on to find myself again and then find a relationship where I could be that same person every day. I thought it would be more of a struggle but actually, it's more of a mental thing. It's about telling yourself that no matter what, all that matters is that you find someone that loves you for you, whatever that may be. If someone sees who you are and isn't fascinated, interested, disgusted, and excited, you don't want to be with them anyway. :) Life is messy in so many good and bad ways and keeping up on who you think you should be is just way too tiring, I can't imagine having to keep it up for years and years, it's not worth it.

Anyway, I don't have to. :)

I feel proud and grateful that I seem to have found someone that accepts me for exactly who I am. And from the very beginning, all he has seen is me, because that's all I've shown him. :)

My tummy doesn't do that weird, something is wrong, twinge. I can trust. It's predictable, and surprising all at the same time. It has progressed in stages, I have not pushed myself or the relationship further than I wanted to go. And that's saying something, for me. :)

It's like getting what I have asked for all these years and I want to revel in it. The sheer normalcy of it is amazing, comforting, and real.

I guess I just felt like sharing. :)

And Chrstmas came and went....

So I had this blog started already, sometime in November about what I should do for Christmas when it all seemed to fall into place.

I got to wake up in my apartment Christmas morning, not alone, and open gifts. :) The only thing missing was the tree but I'll work on remedying that next year. I'm not sure that my apartment would fit a Christmas tree anyway. On a perfectly wonderful note, I didn't guess ANY of my gifts! I can't tell you how awesome that is for me, I love to be surprised and all the gifts were PERFECT for me!

We had a leisurely morning (even though we were up way to early) but then got ready and headed over to his Mom's house for Christmas brunch. The snow was horrendous on the side streets but his car loves the snow and he drives it very well so it was all good. :) His family is very nice and even got me gifts themselves! How sweet is that?!? :) I was very embarrassed, even though I knew they were coming, but the stories they told behind them helped, it was something to laugh at anyway. :)

The day after Christmas was slightly more busy then originally planned since he had to stop and get me a battery (this cold was too much for the two yr old one I had I guess) and change it out for me. We took Ros to daycare and headed north where he met my mom (she was on her best behavior), one of my brothers and he almost beat her at Scrabble. (there was also a minor disagreement with the Escape and the snow drifts but a friendly neighbor and a shovel solved that issue) :) My mom made us lunch and we stayed a little longer than planned but managed to get to my Dad's with about 45min to hang out everyone and take pictures.

Today we are going to his Dad's and that should wrap up the meeting of the immediate family anyway. I'm not really nervous and surprisingly wasn't nervous when he met my family it was all very laid back and fun, I would say one of my most fond Christmas's.

Life is good.

And I think having this apartment is going to force me to shed a lot of garbage I've allowed to accumulate, it will be good to get a little lighter. :)

I hope everyone had an AWESOME Christmas as much as I did. :)

Has it really been that long?

Wow! I have not been this lax before in my blogging, I'm almost disappointed in myself! :)

But what's a busy girl to do?

Update: Phlem boy didn't work out, didn't have many high hopes with him living so far away so no really big loss. :) Plus it was decided pretty quickly after my blog so it's just as well I guess.

I'm to tell you that I've met a new guy, his name is Mr. Slipons, or I call him Mr. Shy. He's also dead sexy. :)

He told me to write that and after today will be able to read my blogs which he hasn't in the past as I've blocked them from everyone in order to prevent him from snooping. You guessed it, he's a computer nerd. :) He's also reading over my shoulder now as I type this.

I've been sick and not wanting to write lately but since it's been so long I guess here's the long version since we all know I don't have a short version. :)

Halloween: I had a super-fantastic costume, I put on a latex witch nose and the cape from a few years ago and voila, I was the witch from Snow White.

Mr. Shy: It was my idea that we go to Pasta Pronto (the best Fettuccine Alfredo around), closed them down, went to Barnes and Noble and picked two books out each for the other (I know cute, right?) :) And then closed down the Starbucks as well. :) I didn't get home until after midnight. We've had a few more dates since then, I made the BEST Manicotti and it was healthy, and he made Beef Stroganoff that tasted like home. I'm actually typing this from his house and his weird ergo keyboard that I'm surprisingly better at typing on then I thought. :)

Guess what, NO KISSING!! Who would have thought I'd be able to say that? Can I see a show of hands? We've decided that the reason is because I'm sick and he has an aversion to colds. :) I'm sure it will be remedied as soon as I have a clean bill of health. Watch out, I may not see many of you once I'm healthy, at least for a week. :) He even says he may pencil me in for a week of PTO. :) Just Kidding. (only a little)

I need to go now before I get in more trouble, because like I said, he now has access to see the others so we'll see how long this lasts. :)

I guess it was the short version, who would have thought I had that in me too? :)