Dichotomy of Contradictions

This is what I seem to be, despite my desire for the opposite.

It seems I am looking for one thing, and yet attracting another.

I find that I am used to the attentions of the opposite sex. I used to be a small slip of a girl, boys would want to have me and I let them. This behaviour became habit and an expectation. I could only be wanted for one thing and to present something different to me branded you a liar. What more could you want of me? Sometimes I would wait, see if I was wrong, but my experience would lead me to the same situations over and over. It led to an obsession of sorts, of my body and looks, because nothing else was more important.

Except that little voice that whispered "you are more than this, what are you doing?"

I have since allowed myself to become lazy and not care about my physical appearance, except in those events when it is required. It's very draining to continually prepare and believe you are presenting perfection, and who was I to contradict those that believed the presentation? So as the facade would start breaking I would prepare to leave, just to start it all over again, someplace new.

Again that voice "aren't you tired of running yet?"

So I am here now, not prepared to leave, slightly afraid of staying, trying to figure out how to change this pattern of presentation I've come to rely on. I'm trying to find that place that allows me to feel comfortable in the skin I'm presenting and being able to not expect those things that have always come to be, based on my outward appearance.

I am afraid to be that same slip of a girl with a different mind and a different set of expectations.

I don't even know where I would start. I don't know how to present the evolving person that is me without feeling like I must be something else and assuming that the men I will meet will just want to take from me, instead of be my partner and enhance who I already am. I don't know how to see them differently. I don't know how not to be resentful when they don't look at me like I expect them to, even when I don't necessarily want them to look at me that way.

And aside from that piece, there are other issues. How am I supposed to present myself in a way that shows who I am and what I'm about without it turning physical in my mind, or assuming it's only physical in theirs? It's all I know, it's what I understand most, I don't trust anything else, I have no experience with it. I don't even know what I would do, or see it, if it were to present itself to me. I think it's possible I could dismiss it out of hand because it's not my normal.

And then I would kick myself later because I didn't take the chance.

Maybe...

Me, Quirky?

I'm starting to think I'm not just your average, run of the mill, ordinary girl.

I've got some serious quirks!

Some I realize;
*I have a system when showering, face first, then shampoo, conditioner, and body, I do this everytime, it's habit. If I have to shave, it always goes between shampooing and conditioning, always.
*I don't like to leave the house unless I can run my errands in a circle, sometimes I can waste an afternoon trying to figure out the best way to get somewhere then back home in a loop, without wasting gas.
*When I'm walking by myself (the company must be better when I'm walking with others), I notice when I step on a crack or a painted parking divider and I feel off if my feet don't step on the same number of them.
*I played a cell phone game of Bejeweled last night for two hours and I couldn't put it down! (I totally beat my high score too, in case you were wondering) :)
*I can have an entire conversation with you, and you aren't anywhere within hearing distance (in layman's terms, I'm talking to myself). :)
*I imagine what I'm going to do, before I do it, for most things throughout my day, you'd think I'd do it to remember, but in fact, sometimes it makes me think I've already done it.
*There are times, most of the time actually, when I dress based on an image in my mind of what I want to look like, this would include looks that I steal from movies I've seen. I used to wear slightly baggy jeans, long sleeved white button up shirt with tan construction boots, just so I could look like Meg Ryan from When a Man Loves a Woman. We could have been twins :)
*I blow my nose in the shower, there's no dirty kleenex for Ros to eat this way! :)
*I start almost every story with "It was the most hilarious thing..." or variations of the same, even when it may not seem so hilarious (I think it makes me seem less like a whiner)
*I have an obsession with maps, I have three NA Atlas's and an entire file in my filing cabinet just for maps.

Some I've tried hard to break;
*I used to eat grilled cheese, waffles, pancakes, PB&J, and Reeses peanut butter cups in a very specific way, and it wasn't random, there was a very specific reason why I ate them that way.
*I totally forgot about the hand to nose sniffing thing! Weird since I was probably doing it as I typed this. :) It is something I didn't do for many years but it seems to be back in full force now, I blame the season. :)

Some I didn't realize;
*Nail popping? I'm thinking that's when I clean out my nails because it does make a sound. It's cuz I'm obsessed with not having crap under my nails, it drives me crazy! :)

I'm sure there are a lot more that I don't even know I do but everyone else does. :) Feel free to comment if you think of some! :)