Dichotomy of Contradictions

This is what I seem to be, despite my desire for the opposite.

It seems I am looking for one thing, and yet attracting another.

I find that I am used to the attentions of the opposite sex. I used to be a small slip of a girl, boys would want to have me and I let them. This behaviour became habit and an expectation. I could only be wanted for one thing and to present something different to me branded you a liar. What more could you want of me? Sometimes I would wait, see if I was wrong, but my experience would lead me to the same situations over and over. It led to an obsession of sorts, of my body and looks, because nothing else was more important.

Except that little voice that whispered "you are more than this, what are you doing?"

I have since allowed myself to become lazy and not care about my physical appearance, except in those events when it is required. It's very draining to continually prepare and believe you are presenting perfection, and who was I to contradict those that believed the presentation? So as the facade would start breaking I would prepare to leave, just to start it all over again, someplace new.

Again that voice "aren't you tired of running yet?"

So I am here now, not prepared to leave, slightly afraid of staying, trying to figure out how to change this pattern of presentation I've come to rely on. I'm trying to find that place that allows me to feel comfortable in the skin I'm presenting and being able to not expect those things that have always come to be, based on my outward appearance.

I am afraid to be that same slip of a girl with a different mind and a different set of expectations.

I don't even know where I would start. I don't know how to present the evolving person that is me without feeling like I must be something else and assuming that the men I will meet will just want to take from me, instead of be my partner and enhance who I already am. I don't know how to see them differently. I don't know how not to be resentful when they don't look at me like I expect them to, even when I don't necessarily want them to look at me that way.

And aside from that piece, there are other issues. How am I supposed to present myself in a way that shows who I am and what I'm about without it turning physical in my mind, or assuming it's only physical in theirs? It's all I know, it's what I understand most, I don't trust anything else, I have no experience with it. I don't even know what I would do, or see it, if it were to present itself to me. I think it's possible I could dismiss it out of hand because it's not my normal.

And then I would kick myself later because I didn't take the chance.

Maybe...

Finding Love, In Reality....

**Spoiler Alert**

I should start this off by saying that I think I've watched one season of The Bachelor (it was so memorable I don't know which one) and I watched the first Bachelorette's wedding through re-runs a few months ago. (there were helicopters!) I was mostly turned off by the fact that it didn't seem like it lasted for anyone, with a few exceptions of course. Then I started seeing the promo commercials for the newest Bachelorette. I will admit, I was intrigued. Not that they didn't have previously jilted others before but this girl seemed very genuine.

I watched the entire season, including all the extras and I think I can honestly say that I would never want to be in her shoes. She was very honest about what she wanted, she didn't let people stay that she obviously didn't have a connection with, and she seemed to have an open mind when it came to all the guys.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to have to tell someone that what they were feeling for you isn't the way you were feeling for them, that would be so hard and I think she was so brave in being honest with everyone about what she thought and felt.

When it got to the last four I thought that she had picked well up to that point. I was really surprised that she let Graham go but after seeing the "Guys Tell All" episode and she said that it was because he couldn't share himself in a way that she wanted I completely understood. I think that Jeremy was too "perfect" and the fact that he kept coming back seemed very fatal attraction for me and makes me think her gut was telling her that it wasn't quite right.

And then there were two.

Jason - I'm not sure that he really loved DeAnna but I think that he was so excited to find that he could love again and his son liked her that he just wanted to keep riding the train. I also don't think that he could have provided that challenge for her that she seems to want. He is very safe, secure, while still being adventurous but what he lacked was the line in the sand. That inner confidence in himself that would allow him to argue with her in a communicative way. He is the epitome to me of the "honeymoon" guy, everything is beautiful, until it's not, then what happens?

Jesse - I was worried at first about his commitment level but what I respected about him was that it didn't seem like he made his decisions half-hazardly. What he chose to do in establishing a relationship with her was thought out and genuine to me. And while he was goofy, it didn't seem like a gimic but a way to present himself as himself. He also seemed to have a sense of himself and those things that were important to him that makes him an equal match with DeAnna. They both said how lucky they were to have found each other in such unusual circumstances.

I think that she made the right choice for her and I hope that they continue to be happy together.

It kind of makes me want to look again...

almost. :)

How real should it get?

I've been thinking for the past few days how interesting it would be if everyone was forced to have a very real, very honest, online dating profile. For those of us that are single and looking of course!

Wouldn't it be better to just lay it all out there, let people know what they are getting into? That way, after two months and they're picking their teeth at a fancy restaurant, with their elbows on the table and food all over their shirt, you'd already know because their profile said "Careless Eater" Now I'm not saying this so we'd all have to list our less desirable traits, but it's better to get the true picture. Why waste your time with someone that abhors (I love that word) careless eating if they weren't going to accept you for who you are?

Now obviously that's a really lame example of what I'm getting at but think about it. If you knew then, what you know now, wouldn't you rather have had all the cards on the table before taking that leap into "a relationship"? Wouldn't you rather know, "I love to take walks, I blow my nose in the shower, I could spend an entire weekend watching movies, and I would do anything for just about anyone, at the expense of myself if I thought it would help them", instead of "Great Listener, loves long walks on the beach, and candlelit dinners..."?

Me, personally, I want the nitty gritty. I want to know the brass tacks, if you will. I'm not looking for a few months of fun, I want the real deal. The good, bad, and ugly of all that being in a relationship entails. I like the idea that I can meet someone that has a totally different take on life, with different experiences and wants to share them. I also like the idea that someone would want to meet me, get to know me, and love me in spite of it. :)

What would happen if you really laid it all out there? Do people really appreciate honesty? Would there be consequences of speaking your mind and saying who you really are? Could you stand to listen to those that would judge you? Would it be worth it to know that the one you would be with, understood your flaws, respected your opinions, and appreciated your strengths, right from the beginning?

Is it really possible?

Stay tuned....