A different path

I was going to write all about the GUR, my forays into princess party set up, and letting go when it's necessary. That was, until pandora's box got opened, and out came all those things you never want to hear your mother say...

You are a Selfish, Blinded, Manipulative, Bully and I'm not sure it's worth it to me to have anything to do with you.

Some backstory: It's her 50th birthday coming up and anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE birthdays, I love celebrating them and I love doing those things that make it special for the person celebrating their birthday. It's a passion of mine. In keeping with that theory, I tend to ask a lot of questions to make sure I'm getting it right if I'm involved in the planning of said birthday, especially since I can tend to get carried away sometimes in my enthusiasm (see Selfish, above). :) So I ask, where, who, and when. All seemingly innocuous to me. I should have known...

I guess I missed the "who" when we talked on Sunday, to which I was informed, meant that I didn't care because I didn't listen and remember, the way that she did, or would. The "where" should have been asked of my brother, or other relatives, with sufficient knowledge of what type of food she enjoys, so it's not a difficult question I couldn't have answered myself, or with minimal help from others, not her. The "when" didn't matter, except when pressed, anything after 3pm on a Sunday would be considered "late" or "not worth the trouble". Asking said questions meant she was planning her own birthday and frankly, didn't want the responsibility.

During this two and a half hour conversation I probably spoke for 45min. The rest of the time I tried to listen, I mean, really tried. There were so many things going through my mind that if I had said them on impulse, would have taken us decades back to where we had already been.

What I heard among my own ramblings is that she is depressed, unhappy, lonely, afraid, exhausted, and longing for a life she wishes she had created.

She wants her daughter (or others in her life) to want to call her because hearing her mothers voice gets her through the day (we have talked on many occasions where she has told me specifically that she is glad I don't call her everyday like my aunt calls my grandmother because she couldn't stand that, she has a life after all)

She wants someone to be there when she gets home and notice if she's had a bad day and offer her tea to make her feel better (she has isolated herself to the point that it is work to be around her, the contradictions alone are hard enough to keep up with, let alone the opinions that she doesn't have, yet shares because it's important to be honest)

She wants people to call her, just to see how things are going and if she's okay (her son is going through a very excruciating legal process that she feels responsible for because of her inaction at the time because of her own previous baggage, and to my knowledge, never calls anyone to see how they are)

She wants everyone to be nice to her and each other if they have direct contact with her, as long as it's not "fake" nice (this means her definition of nice, not anyone else's)

She thinks about everyone else before she makes any decision because it's more important to her that they are happy, and if that makes her a doormat, so be it (I'm not even going to touch this one)

At first, I was angry, okay, furious and frustrated that she is completely unable to see her life for what it is, misery of her own making. She is the consummate victim that she can very cleverly hide behind an assertive, strong demeanor that she wants people to see beyond and if they cared enough about her, they would.

I know why she was unhappy with my questions, because I didn't already know the answers, but as her daughter, I should have. I understand that she thinks I blame her for things in the past, regardless of the repeated conversations to the contrary.

The different paths we have taken are so clearly marked to me, I can see hers, from my perspective of course, but it's so divergent to my own I'm not sure how anyone would see a difference I don't. My personal feeling is that she continues to blame her own mother for her own childhood, so of course I would as well. She doesn't want any drama in her life, and if everyone would go along with her point of view, there wouldn't be. Everyone should see the work that she puts in to help others and pay her in kind, because she deserves it. She would be happy, if someone cared about her happiness.

Some of her behaviors are my own, ones I have learned from her, and ones I have taught myself. I remember what it felt like to be so tired of doing for others that I would wish someone would notice and validate my existence. I can still be like this sometimes. I also think that the fact I realize it, and acknowledge it, means there still may be some hope for me yet. :)

At some point I started walking my own path. I made a choice, you can only "get" what you are willing to "give". If I want to be called to see how I am doing, I need to call and see how the people I care about are doing. If I want someone to notice when I'm having a bad day, I need to create a network of friends that I know and support and that know me and can support me when I need it. I have decided that no matter what has happened, it's never as good as what's coming, and if I wait around long enough, the good always happens, sometimes you just have to look harder, but it's always there.

It makes me sad for her, that her choices are different. She chooses to see the bad, and the bad never ends for her.

How funny that she thinks if I could just see from her perspective that we would get along so well and I think that if she could just see from my perspective she would be so much happier with her life and those around her. It's like the worst polar magnets in existence and I'm not sure how to overcome it without turning myself inside out for her, which I'm not willing to do, and she wouldn't appreciate it for the sacrifice anyway.

I guess it's that I do see from her perspective, and I don't agree with it, I feel like I've traveled that road long enough and rather then stay on it, I decided to walk through the wild flowers to get a better view.

I wish I knew what to do. Thanks for listening. :)

Hawaii 5-0 playing in the background

I decided that the reason my house wasn't being shown was because it was a pig sty and I didn't want anyone to see it that way, so I started cleaning. By the time the kitchen was spotless my phone was ringing! :) Sometimes the Secret is just believing. :)


I decided to catch Oktoberfest on Saturday afternoon, plus I had a free admission ticket and who argues with free? I got a free beer stein and only filled it once with the darkest beer I could find! :) It wasn't bad actually. There wasn't much there in the way of entertainment, they had a few bands playing and some guys were dropping quarter lemons from the roof to catch in the steins for prizes. I got the Jackpot (three prizes)! I got a t-shirt, key chain, and playing cards.

And so began one of my "life" thoughts of the weekend. I'd say epiphany but I think I'll have to reserve that for when I actually figure it out. :)

I wanted to stand in the square and get the lemon in my mug, it took me almost an hour to finally decide to do it. Once I was there I blocked most everyone around me out and hoped that I would be able to get the lemon in the glass so I wouldn't look like the drunkards that were spilling their beer all over the place as they tried to get the lemon in theirs. When the lemon dropped into my mug I was so excited, I think I even said "Woo Hoo!", then I heard the claps and excitement from behind me and I was instantly embarassed. It was like I was having my own private moment and they were intruding. I didn't make eye contact with anyone, the guy there put his hand up for me to give him a high-five and it took like three seconds for me to realize why he was holding his hand up! It was a bizarre feeling because there are times when I want people to pay attention to me and when they did, all I wanted to do was crawl under a hole somewhere and hide. I've got a few thoughts that are probably the reason I feel this way but I'm going to let them germinate for now.

While I was there my friend J text me asking if I wanted to "hit up a surf rock show at the blue monk?" Well, not knowing exactly what "surf rock" or "blue monk" was, I decided what the heck and told her I would go so after leaving Oktoberfest I headed home to Ros, changed my clothes and headed back out.

It was Whipeout to the extreme! The musicians were good, there was no carpet so it was a little tinny but overall they were pretty good, and they had go-go dancers in swimsuits and fishnet stockings, who could beat that! :) My friend is moving away soon so it was good to hang out with her for a bit and she's the kind of person that makes you feel good for being you, so it was extra fun. :) (I also got to take some of the first pics of her and her new guy, so honored!) :) I should also mention my second and final "life" thought of the weekend. Though I guess this one was more of an epiphany.

I have been emailing with a guy that I wasn't really feeling the connection with and instead of hiding, lying, or generally avoiding the situation, I came right out and told him, in the email of course, but it's a step. It felt really good to be honest and to work on feeling okay with what I'm looking for and not wanting to change it to fit what someone else is looking for. It seems obvious I know, but it's good for me to be able to identify those situations and act honestly and truthfully without fear that I might offend someone. It actually turned out really well and I was clear and concise without being hurtful or overly apologetic.

Anyway, Sunday I slept in, watched a movie, didn't answer my phone, went t-shirt and iron-on paper shopping, and with help from S, came up with a Rockin' design for our Great Urban Race shirts! I'm actually getting really excited for participating, and I didn't even need to spend money on maps! :)

Well, that was my weekend, two new things, a partial and full epiphany, and a viewing, I couldn't have asked for better! :)

The high's and low's of Home Ownership...

For most of you that don't know, I got an offer on my house on Tuesday, 8/26. I can't begin to tell you the kind of excitement that rushed through me when I heard the message from my realtor, I didn't even care what they wanted, I was just going to accept it, as soon as she told me what it was! :)

However, it was an extremely low offer (about $25,000 less than what I originally paid and of course, less than I'm asking now), so obviously I countered with something way more reasonable, especially since they wanted me to pay all their closing costs. To which, I was again countered with something not as reasonable but slightly better, and after some time consuming number crunching on Friday, my realtor and I can up with my base bottom price (faxed directly to and from The Heathman), and if it went through, I was going to walk away with a whopping $300. :)

I wish I could say I'm no longer the proud owner of this shell that I live in, but in reality what the buyer could get financed and what I needed were two very different amounts and there was no way an offer could be acceptable to us both.

So while I've still got the moving idea plotting away in my head, I have yet to find someone to hand the keys over to.

PLEASE!, OH PLEASE! SOMEONE BUY THIS HOUSE!

Practice makes Progress...

So this week was a lesson, well a few lessons actually, for me, in my quest to be a more authentic me when it comes to the opposite sex.

For the sake of readability we will call this opportunity, George. :)

George is someone that I've talked to on the phone and online for awhile but never met in person and I got a chance to be his "tour guide" this week while he was visiting Portland. This is amusing to me because I probably know less about the surrounding Portland area than a weekend tourist, but I don't think I did too bad a job. :)

I left my cousin's rehearsal dinner on Sunday to meet up with him and give him a brief tour of the area he was staying in, just to give him a little sense of direction. When I first got to his hotel, I thought, now why did he have to go and be all good looking?! I thought for sure I was in for it, all the bad habits, the incessant fake flirting, the tummy suckage, and you can't forget the screaming voice in the head screaming "he can't possibly think anything good is coming out of your mouth". So as this was all flooding back to me, I said very quietly under my breath while getting out of my car to get into his, "Get it together, you are being ridiculous, stop being so neurotic, you can do this". "This" of course, meaning it was very possible that I could just be myself, I mean it wasn't like I was someone different in email or on the phone so why should it be different to see me in person? And then I suddenly felt a little lighter, not really nervous (okay, a tiny bit but that only lasted through getting the water at dinner), and ready to just take things as they come.

He totally has some quirks, I'm sure I noticed them way more than I might have for the simple fact that I wasn't thinking about the situation the entire time but in fact focusing on what he was saying and what was going on around me. So we're at dinner and he said something that made me think, you know he might be a little nervous too, he might actually think that I'm a crazy girl that's going to obsess and smother all over him, but little did he know I was headed for progress and not re-doing past mistakes. So after dinner and a run to Target, I was surprised when he invited me back to his room and even more surprised that I was more interested in the hotel room because it had a full kitchen and not because of the company. :) We chatted for a bit then about 10 I said I needed to get home but I'd see or talk to him the next day.

Monday was my cousin's wedding and I was in charge of getting the cake (when they told me the BRIDE was going to wake up at 6am to come to beaverton bakery to get it from Gresham I insisted that they let me get it for her). S graciously took care of Ros the entire day for me (THANK U)! By the time Ros and I got home we were both tuckered out, but I still had to stay up to watch Saving Grace (such a good show!).

Tuesday we went to Macaroni Grill and got the exact same dinner and drink (he ordered after me, thank you very much), though he also got a salad and by now I was starting to wonder if his stomach was bottomless, because he can put down the food! I took half mine home in a doggy bag, while his plate was practically licked clean! :) We walked around for a little bit after dinner then went back to our cars. I was home by 8ish and at this point I'm starting to like this groove that I seem to be in. I'm not wearing make up (I don't usually unless I feel like it or I'm going somewhere really nice) or dressing provocatively or to get attention, just wearing what makes me feel good (meaning, when I stood in front of the mirror in the morning my thought was more 'does this look okay on me' rather than 'will this help him want me more'). There is still a small piece of my brain that wanders, though it's more like checking in, making sure that I'm listening, not over-analyzing, and when I'm talking I'm being honest about what I think and feel.

You have to understand that all of this is completely new to me, it's not how I normally act and not how I normally expect to be treated. It all felt normal somehow, like what was happening is what should normally happen when you are getting to know someone and it was a good feeling.

Wednesday, we went out to dinner in Portland to this really good seafood place with more mood lighting then I would have liked but it was good food and a really good place for people watching. He is very friendly and asked the waitress where the best place to get dessert was in the area, and so began our long walk for dessert. I was a sweaty mess but I wasn't complaining, it was actually nice to walk off some of the fried food I had, and it justified the chocolate brownie with milk that I had for dessert. :) Once we got back to his car he put the top down on his rental car (thankfully I had put my hair on a ponytail or I would have been coming out the tangles all night). My car was in the only remaining parking spot so I headed right home. My thought driving home was 'that was one of the funnest/funniest/relaxing evenings I've had'. I think part of it was the adventure of seeing someplace new with someone that was seeing it for the first time too. I also felt proud of myself that I was able to be in the moment, still be myself, and have a good time without worrying if I said something stupid or wondering if he would want to see me again.

Thursday, we went to lunch at Pasta Pronto, he wanted Spaghetti Factory, I told him Pasta Pronto was so much better! :) We both had meetings so it was a quick lunch. By this time I'm starting to waver a little. I was thinking, 'I'm wearing a skirt today, does he think I'm wearing it because of him, should I have worn make up, would he think my eyes were prettier with a little mascara'. None of this came out in my actions, thankfully, but it was there, and it made me more glad that I had made dinner plans with S for that night instead of going out with him again for fear that I would have languished on every word, batted my eyes (not really but you get what I mean), and basically trashed all the work I had put in previously to not let that happen.

So the lessons I want to get most out of this week is 1) It is possible to be myself and be in the moment without obsessing about the outcome, 2) If I handle things in moderation, it will make it easier on me to slow the rollercoaster down and take things as they come, 3) Remember that when I push it, it makes things worse for me, and those around me, one track minds are not in balance. :)

Sorry about the play-by-play but I needed a timeline :)

Dating Photo Decision

A couple of my bestest friends graciously took pictures of me in the last few weeks that I could put on my online dating profiles. Thanks everyone for voting! These are the winning photos and have been posted to the websites, we will see what happens I guess :) #3 #5 #6
#14

A breaking of the dawn...(slightly updated)

I think I need something a little lighter so I'm gonna tell ya all about the weekend we had one of my favorite adventures...

Once upon a time...

JK

So last Friday was pretty busy for me, lots of things to do and sleep to miss...

I went to work as usual where I feverishly completed all my team's monthly reviews until I left at 1pm and proceeded immediately to pick up Stacy and head to Juan Colorado's. Now, this wasn't just any Juan Colorado's, this was one of the blandest ones I've been to, not a lot of selection and the food was, Eh. But the company was fabulous, we met AS and A there who also enjoyed some less than stellar fare.

I digress...

After lunch we headed down the parking lot to the ceramics place to find some wares to paint. :) I picked a large square serving plate, to which, they were all able to see my complete OCD side as I tried to paint perfect burgundy squares and circles (with a stencil that didn't cooperate) and later with black in the center and around the edge which turned out much better with the use of tape (who knew!) :) (side note: S's paint job was much more creative, AS painted the cutest pot, and A's drawing could have jumped out of the computer!) but I still had a lot of fun! :)

Then it was off to Starbucks for much needed coffee and pastry. From there A was stuck with us for the remainder of our adventure while AS got to go home and I assume get more sleep than I did. :)

We high-tailed it out of there so I could drop off S and A then get Ros from daycare and feed her before heading right back out to BN to meet up with S and A so we could get to Sunset Lanes for a very unique early evening bachelorette party (with the bride having to work the next day at 6am, and the MOH nearly ready to deliver, I don't blame them!) We picked funny names to go by; Misfit, St. Anna, and I as JM, or Jim for this leg of our adventure. I think I got a few strikes but the best thing of all was the falling to a sitting position that I managed in a gracefully awkward way and thankfully I had let the ball go by this time so no actual damage was done, save the burning sensation that moved through my cheeks. :)

At 8:30pm-ish we had to leave our friends to get some dinner (yummy Schmizza Pizza) with a snippet of Kangaroo Jack, a very friendly coach and Lish. What ensued after that can only be described as a tribe of laughing maniacs with a complete lack of discretion, and maybe a little too much coffee...(thankfully S and A had already picked up the numbered bracelets!) We puttered around BN watching the multitude of age brackets fill out their special all book inclusive surveys that no one won but was still fun to compare answers too (S has a mind like a steel trap for all things story related!) and entertaining the Starbucks crowd with things I don't completely remember but I'm sure were hilarious (gooooaaat!) until they closed. Into the line we went!

They didn't plan this line very well, I'd say there were about 300 people there and telling us all that numbers 1-50 should go to the start of the line and "just ask your neighbor what number they are" just isn't feasible with that many people and if they were smart would have said 1-10, 11-20, etc, it would have been much simpler, I think (and I of course needed to mention this many times out loud but no progress was made on my behalf). :) As it were, there was much in the way of shifting as everyone got assembled but by 11:50pm, assembled we were.

There was a countdown, we half-heartedly participated, and we were out of there by 12:15am at the latest. We bid our adieu's and promised to stop reading at the end of the first section.

The first section....SURPRISE! SHOCK! STUNNED! (I believe I had an actual OMG moment) I was asleep by 3am.

The next morning we were all supposed to be headed to Flugtag (early for going to bed by 3am) but after a minor mishap (and a satisfying nap on my part, S and I met at her house, wrangled up some Taco Bell and read the second section while the dogs harassed us and each other. :)

The second section...PISSED! FRUSTRATED! IRRITATED! (I unknowingly called it)

After that I went home, I was in such a state I still don't remember what I had for dinner! In fact, I completely forgot, until S reminded me, that I actually went out for drinks (and visited Montage's and the Original Hotcake & Steakhouse before finally settling on Shari's once it was determined that Denny's at Lloyd Center closes at 10pm on weekends) and didn't get home until 4am instead of 11pm-ish and slept in until noon before finishing up the third and final section.

The third section...FAITH RESTORED! All ended well and in true Stephenie format, happily ever after...

THE END!

Dichotomy of Contradictions

This is what I seem to be, despite my desire for the opposite.

It seems I am looking for one thing, and yet attracting another.

I find that I am used to the attentions of the opposite sex. I used to be a small slip of a girl, boys would want to have me and I let them. This behaviour became habit and an expectation. I could only be wanted for one thing and to present something different to me branded you a liar. What more could you want of me? Sometimes I would wait, see if I was wrong, but my experience would lead me to the same situations over and over. It led to an obsession of sorts, of my body and looks, because nothing else was more important.

Except that little voice that whispered "you are more than this, what are you doing?"

I have since allowed myself to become lazy and not care about my physical appearance, except in those events when it is required. It's very draining to continually prepare and believe you are presenting perfection, and who was I to contradict those that believed the presentation? So as the facade would start breaking I would prepare to leave, just to start it all over again, someplace new.

Again that voice "aren't you tired of running yet?"

So I am here now, not prepared to leave, slightly afraid of staying, trying to figure out how to change this pattern of presentation I've come to rely on. I'm trying to find that place that allows me to feel comfortable in the skin I'm presenting and being able to not expect those things that have always come to be, based on my outward appearance.

I am afraid to be that same slip of a girl with a different mind and a different set of expectations.

I don't even know where I would start. I don't know how to present the evolving person that is me without feeling like I must be something else and assuming that the men I will meet will just want to take from me, instead of be my partner and enhance who I already am. I don't know how to see them differently. I don't know how not to be resentful when they don't look at me like I expect them to, even when I don't necessarily want them to look at me that way.

And aside from that piece, there are other issues. How am I supposed to present myself in a way that shows who I am and what I'm about without it turning physical in my mind, or assuming it's only physical in theirs? It's all I know, it's what I understand most, I don't trust anything else, I have no experience with it. I don't even know what I would do, or see it, if it were to present itself to me. I think it's possible I could dismiss it out of hand because it's not my normal.

And then I would kick myself later because I didn't take the chance.

Maybe...